So Sentimental It Hurts. Like, a Lot.

So personally I can't really relax or fall asleep with music playing. However, there are two exceptions: Reggae and Enya. Michael found this out and took to playing Reggae or singing it to me to make me feel better, particularly Bob Marley.

There was one song he got stuck on, because of the message. "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley. For the last few days he was here it actually made me cry, because I was scared that every little thing wasn't gonna be alright. But I got an idea before he left, and I decided to get some of the lyrics tattooed on my feet. To put an extra element of sentimentality on it, I wanted it in his handwriting.

First of all, I'm no creeper. I wasn't about to get a tattoo tribute to someone that wasn't my family without their permission (like some crazy people I know have done). So I asked him if it would be too weird, and let him think about it. He decided it wouldn't be, and on the day we dropped him off at the hotel wrote the lyrics I wanted:

I haven't had much money in the last while, so I had to wait. But today was payday, and I'd gotten a lot of hours at work in the last two weeks. I hadn't been to Penetration in a while and I felt bad, so I thought I'd see if they could take me as a walk in.

Since it was just line work my usual artist didn't mind handing me over to one of the other guys (Scott) who gladly made an exact stencil of Mikey's writing. Here it is all fresh and nasty:

Let me tell you, I was so not ready for how much that hurt. I broke out into a sweat and starting cussing out a storm at pretty much everyone in the room. It was either that or cry holding it in, and I wasn't about to do that. Besides, the guys there think it's funny as hell when I call someone a "nigger face fucker" without thinking. The feeling of getting tattooed is hard to describe if you haven't had it done before. It's like having a deep scrape lit on fire while having salt thrown into it, in this case. Very unpleasant. But it was quick, and I made everyone laugh, so it was all good. Plus, Scott charged me less than the shop minimum. :)

But I'm so so happy with it and I can't wait to send Mikey a picture so he can see how it turned out. It really cheered me up a lot. Regardless of what happens, I know I always want Michael in my life and these words will get me through all kinds of things for sure.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

I had to.
So maybe my list of 20 favorite things doesn't include raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens, but this might take some thinking and I'll probably come off sounding like a dumb pretentious teenager, just to warn you. "Things" is very vague and leaves a lot of room for interpretation.

1. Candy.
2. Monster Imported energy drink
3. Sleeping in after not sleeping enough for days
4. Sushi
5. Being a passenger in an old VW Bug (with Mikey)
6. Spring time in Prescott Arizona
7. Summer walks
8. The month of June, because it feels like my birthday lasts the whole time.
9. Smirnoff Ice coolers
10. The smell of rain
11. My grey t-shirt
12. Michael Bradley Cook
13. My class ring
14. Sex (c'mon, let's be honest here)
15. Boy cut style underwear
16. Serra Deroy
17. Cars from the 50's with white wheel tires
18. Stargazer lilies
19. The Beatles
20. Showers after camping for days

I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad.

More Nostalgia

 

So Michael used to have this necklace back when we were first dating. It was one of those things he let me borrow so we could see each other again. I saw it in Spencers all the time and I always though about buying it but I'd usually shrug my shoulders and forget about it. 

The other day I was at the mall with Fatty and Serra and decided this time I wouldn't pass it up. It was the last one and the flood of nostalgia was too much to resist. 

This whole experience has been really strange already. It sort of feels like a breakup, because he's not here and we're not talking. But I have all of his stuff and I'm waiting for a letter, so instead of forgetting about him I'm always remembering him. It makes me both happy and a little sad. 

I had to finally buy this, because it reminds me that he's coming home sooner than I think.

:)

Three Wishes

 If given the chance to make three practically rule free wishes (which I would love) here's what I'd do:

1. I would wish for multiple supernatural abilities. Depending on the rules I guess I might only be allowed on per wish, so if I had to chose I'd probably go with Teleportation, though I did find this list of superpowers and it's a difficult choice. Teleportation would probably the most useful since it cuts out using transportation.

2. Let's not lie here, I'd wish for several billion dollars to be in my bank account. I'd probably be really anal about it and invest in things, start multiple savings accounts and buy stocks before spending a whole lot. I'd want to make it last, not just for me but for my family.

3. Here's where I say something gay like "end world hunger!" and "make alternative fuels openly available to the public!" No, actually, I'd really like war to suddenly be completely unnecessary. Just wish for everyone to unanimously decide that it's the stupidest most pointless way of solving problems. Negotiations over tea and coffee only. -insert lyrics from John Lennon's song "Imagine" here-

Day 18

Something you want to buy.

Well because I thought it would be fun and because I'd been playing Pokemon for eight years without cheating, I bought a DS Action Replay. It puts codes into your game that gives you a ton of items or makes it super easy to train your Pokemon and the like.

I regret this decision.

After fifteen minutes of playing on my pink DS Lite I've had for three years, the top screen flickered and faded to white. And it won't show anything else. I tried looking up how to fix this but the only people who had ventured to find their own solution said to take a hammer to the action replay and get a new DS. I've been borrowing my friend Serra's old school OG DS to play games, which is cool, but I've got my eye on bigger fish.

The new DS XL. There's a 3D edition coming out soon but I'm not terribly interested. The concept is just a little too advanced for me. My friend Kelsey has one of these fatty bad boys and it's gorgeous and I want it. I don't quite have the money and for SOME reason Mikey told me not to buy it...So I suppose there's one in my future after all. If I had to be picky I want this beautiful blue one because it's my favorite color.

I've always had a model of a gameboy ever since Gameboy Color when I was eleven. I'm a handheld system kinda gal. I like being able to play games wherever I am. It killed my soul when my own DS died and I felt so so guilty because I usually take such good care of my expensive toys. Serves me right for trying to cheat.

Favorite Quotes

I'm going to do my best to cite these quotes, because I hate when people don't do that.

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." -Wayne Dyer

"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not." -Andre Gide

"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss/ Bernard Baruch (of course, since it's tattooed on me)

"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing." -John Powell

"You never know what is enough unless you know more than enough." -William Blake

I found who was responsible for these quotes on Thinkexist.com. 

Also, I love this Bro version of a Marylin Monroe quote:

Your Motto: Words You Live By

There are definitely certain words I repeat to myself in different situations. And this also might turn into a "lessons I've learned" post, though I think I've done one like that before...

1. Everybody Comes And Goes. Not just boys like your mother told you, and not all friends are forever. What I've learned is just to be kind to the people in my life and not worry when one of them leaves. Of course, I've taken people for granted in my life and others have unpleasantly surprised me after I've treated them well, but all circumstances aside there's a damn good chance that whoever it is won't be around forever.

2. Sleep On It. I've had some very terrible days and I've almost made a lot of decisions I'd regret, and what I've found helps is just going to bed and waiting it out. Chances are, I'll feel differently (usually better) about it the next day.

3. Whatever You Give To The World Will Come Back To You. It's the rule of Karma, the rule of three. Whatever you put into the universe you'll get back times three. This is kind of a New Age/Pagan point of view but I've found it really helps to remember. For example, whenever I paid for things in the past whether I had the money or not, I never worried about it because I was giving to someone else, and I'll get it back in some form or another some day. Likewise, when you use everyone around you and take all of the people in your life for granted, some bad shit is bound to bite you in the ass someday.

And those are the three things I keep in mind every single day. They help me get through life with grace and the ability to think things through instead of being impulsive. Well, nobody's perfect. I slip up once in a while. But on a good day I do my best to be a good person.

Favorite Movies

You can't be mad, Deroy, because this is the real Megan Fox

Oh boy, so I've been putting this entry off. I watch a lot of movies. Michael and I both have an obsession with film and together we watch several movies a week, probably an average of one every other to every day when we have more time. Some people read books like I watch movies, if you know what I mean. I'm always looking for a new movie I think I'd like, and I judge this based on the cast and sometimes the director. I'm really starting to appreciate how they're made and the work that goes into them, especially something like Coraline. Stop motion movies made with little dolls and handcrafted sets are incredibly time consuming to complete and I have a deep respect for the people that put their hearts and souls into them.
Anyway, I could discuss types of movies all day, so instead I'll just make a list of some of the best movies I've seen:
(in no particular order)
1. The Miyazaki Movies. Spirited Away, Ponyo, Kiki's Delivery Service, and My Neighbor Totoro are my favorites.
2. Jennifer's Body. It's an almost B rated horror flick; kind of my guilty pleasure.
3. Artificial Intelligence (A.I.) If you don't cry, you don't have a soul.
4. Hook. Part of the Peter Pan Story. I never get tired of it.
5. The Hangover. The funniest shit I've seen in a long time. The first time you see it is always the best though. I'm stoked for the second one.
6. Scott Pilgrim. I watched this every day for a week when I bought it. It's just so ridiculous.
7. Shaun of the Dead. British comedy making fun on zombie movies. Gotta love it.
8. Hard Candy. Super intense.
9. Chicago. Need I say more?
10. Earth Girls Are Easy. It's probably just my love for cheesy 80's anything, but I love it to pieces.
11. The Breakfast Club. Of course. I don't know what kind of person doesn't like this movie. Obviously not the kind I want to hang out with.
12. Pan's Labyrinth. It's all in a dialect of Spanish from Spain. Very cool.
13. Zombieland. Some people weren't as excited about this as I was, but I think it's kickass.
14. The Underworld Series. Because I like vampires and werewolves as long as they have nothing to do with Twilight.
15. Taken. Who doesn't want to see Liam Neeson kicking a shit ton of Russian ass?
16. Tank Girl. She is my hero. I'm getting her tattooed below my flying key someday.
17. Waiting. Quoted a lot among my guy friends. I think Michael and I both have a crush on Ryan Renolds.
18. Sherlock Holmes. Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law kicking ass? Delicious.
19. Return to Oz. A lot of people don't know this exists, but this is the second book in the Oz series in movie form and it's really excellent. It's not an overdone 50's musical. It's a real movie.
20. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. This is what I saw Robert Downey Jr in first, before all his latest badassery.

I think that's enough for now. I could keep going. If there's a movie on this list you haven't seen, I highly recommend getting a hold of it somehow.

Damn I love movies.

Money

I agree with my friend Serra when it comes to money. I do believe that money can buy happiness. Now, I've been happy with the small amount I earn from my part time job, but lately things have gotten worse with my money situation.

I woke up this morning, on payday, expecting around seventy or eighty dollars in my account from the three shifts I worked in the last pay period. I got twenty. That's not even enough to fill my fucking gas tank. What the fuck. I had fourty bucks in my account, I was hungry and confused. Actually, I still haven't eaten yet and I've been up for two hours. I tried calling work to say what the hell happened to my money, but the supervisor was conveniently busy.

So I called my dad to see if I should pull another small chunk out of my savings, which is meant for future schooling and more important things. I feel so damn guilty every time I do it. I like my money; I like seeing that fat amount in my savings and knowing its there for me later. I don't like making it smaller.

But I had no choice, because despite filing my taxes over two weeks ago I have yet to see my money. It would really help to have right about now, since I'm not getting hardly any hours at work and when I do they send me home early. I'm worried that I screwed something up on the forms, but I couldn't have, because my dad was right there and he is Math Master. I filled out a direct deposit bit on it also, so I should've received it faster than if I had asked for it to be mailed to me.

All I know is I'm pissed. I'm pissed at my work for screwing me over and I'm pissed at the government for holding out on me. And this is why I'm getting a degree one way or another so I can get the job I want and not be stuck at home relying on someone else for the rest of my life. I want to be able to hold my own, and despite the fact that my boyfriend will be nice and rich when he gets back from the army, I don't want to be a gold digger.

Fuck, man.

Favorite Books

My list of favorite books is relatively short and stereotypical. My tastes in books is undergoing a change and it's really hard to decide what I like to read anymore. Not only that, but I have this curse that won't allow me to finish a book if I don't read it in two days. The last book I read was Choke by Chuck Palahniuk and honestly I didn't like it. I'm just not into that edgy x-rated sex and gore stuff. It was gross. I know it's supposed to be and a lot of people like the shock value of that but I just couldn't really stomach it. At least I read it all the way through and gave it a chance, I feel good about that part at least.

The few books I've come across and really liked are:

1. The Harry Potter Series. Of course. In particular, I really liked the third and the sixth.
2. Thirsty. Another vampire book and not written that well, but I really enjoyed the idea of someone not wanting to be a vampire. It didn't have any of the "sparkly glam" that vampirism has now and went back to the classic ideal that vampires are in fact monsters, and we probably wouldn't like to be one as much as we think.
3. The Lost Girls. I'm into Peter Pan more than I let on, and this book was a spontaneous find about the girls in Wendy's generation. Each one of her relatives as young girls met Peter, and Wendy is now old and crazy. The main character is Wendy's granddaughter, a grown woman dealing with her own daughter who can't fly to Neverland because she is too depressed. It's kind of a sad mother daughter story; I really liked it.
4. Disco Bloodbath, also known as Party Monster. I really enjoyed the voice and the writing style. It was simple flamboyant and effective. And also funny, despite being about a murder and a bunch of gay guys who go to raves and do a LOT of drugs. It was just way out there and really entertaining to read. The movie was also enjoyable.
5. Blood and Chocolate. It's a werewolf story, and to be honest it's kind of a glorified erotic novel. The idea of being a werewolf is very sexualized and it's pretty awesome. Basically the main character is a female werewolf who has to decide if she wants to stick to her pack and take the responsibilities of being what she is and finding a mate, or straying and falling in love with a human. If you have heard of the movie DON'T. WATCH IT. It was so badly done I wanted to punch everyone involved. If you've made the mistake of watching it, read the book. It's delicious.
6. A Certain Slant of Light. Two spirits unable to go to heaven inhabit the bodies of two high school students that have essentially died inside. They then fall in love. Very strange but very cute.

Aaaand that's pretty much it. I don't really like reading the books that everyone else reads (aside from the HP novels). I like finding weird books on my own. The only trouble is I have so much trouble doing so. Libraries are very intimidating for me. I don't actually enjoy searching through all those books for hours. I just want someone to hand me a book, because I'll read it. Or "eat it" as Michael says, because I read way too fast when I'm interested in a book. I haven't given up, I just don't read like I used to.

So if anyone wants me to read their favorites, let me borrow them and I'll certainly give it a shot.

Song Of The Day

"I try to make one mistake at a time." -Austen Cline

How can we learn if we don't fuck it all up first?

Reminicing

Warning: I'm about to get all ookie and talk about my boyfriend, something I say I don't like to over do. Considering the circumstances, I have a right to at this moment. But if you don't like that sort of thing then I wouldn't read ahead. :)

By this time next week Michael won't be here. It's a really sad thought and I'm not really ready for it, but I don't have a choice. Honestly I'm just not into the military thing. I respect that as long as war exists there will always be a reason for soldiers, but I can't help seeing it as sort of a sad waste. I mean, people willingly volunteer to become an expendable piece of government property. What about that sounds cool? But it's what Michael wants to do and I just have to get over it and support him, even though it means being miles apart.

It's times like these that make me think back to when I first met him, and all the things leading up to us ending up together. I really seriously never thought it would happen after we dated in eighth grade. It just didn't go that well. Michael has this effect on girls; he makes them crazy, and I was probably one of the first. But there were good times, too. He was my first serious kiss. He sent me flowers while I was in class (we went to different schools, mind you) for Valentines day. And I really can't forget when he made me borrow his watch so we had a reason to see each other again.

He did that with a lot of girls though, let them borrow his stuff. They went crazy over it. Jackets, jewelry, clothes, whatever. I'm pretty guilty of it, but it's sort of different now. I'm not doing it to flaunt it, I'm doing it because I like having a piece of him with me. It's something that's more important to me now that he's leaving.
I never saw this coming. I never saw this bright eyed boy who liked being barefoot and having long hair joining the army. What the hell, right? I've known him for so long it was so unexpected.
So much reminds me of him and when I first met him. We mostly made out a lot, and there was always music playing, so I have a lot of memories attached to songs. We both really liked Linkin Park and to this day I can't listen to Meteora without thinking of him.

I'm going to miss him so so much it's retarded, but something has been telling me if I wait this out it'll all be worth it. It won't suck as much as when we broke up for that while, because this time we'll be in touch and I know he's coming back. I'm actually kind of excited to write letters. It's romantic. Everything we've been through since we've met has been necessary to help us realize how well we go together. Even the shitty stuff. So this is just one more thing to overcome and bring us closer together.

I'm doing my best to write down anything positive I feel, because I'll have some dark days, too. No doubt. But as long as I can look forward to all the days he comes home and the next chapter after all that, I'll have hope. Without further ado, here are some memories in the form of songs.

So I have a few confessions to make. I did still like Michael all through high school. I hid it from myself though, but occasionally I'd catch something weird. I put his picture on my ipod to that song "Anytime" up there, which sort of implies moving on but welcoming a previous love back whenever they want. Then there was this moment Junior year, (weird that I remember it so well) outside at lunch. I was looking at him and thinking about him in ways I hadn't in a few years. Just as quickly I shook it off. Somehow making friends with all of his girlfriends was weird, too. It wasn't intentional, it just sort of happened.

It's been a weird dramatic journey, but there are still a lot of times I wish I could relive. I miss his old house, I miss the big gatherings, many of which I wasn't around for because we lost touch for a while. I miss things being simpler but it's amazing how they've changed and I'm glad it's all happened this way.

So that's it for me being gross for a while. Thanks for enduring it :)

Favorite Songs

Day 13. Songs; just to name a few current faves:

I can't find a good video for Profits of Doom by Clutch but I love that song.

I still can't get over how much the lead singer of Cage the Elephant looks like Random. Or vice versa I guess. This is also the first official song I learned on bass. If you listen it isn't that complicated though haha

And now for something completely different:

I could seriously do this all day, but I'll spare you. I like a lot of music.:)

Day 12 Pet Peeves/OCD Habits

So it's weird facts about me time.

1. I used to hate my food touching at meal times. Michael's helped me get over this and made me realize that sometimes a gross looking mess is actually delicious.
2. I eat my candy so that it stays in even numbers. How do I explain this...If I'm eating m&m's, I'll eat them so that as I go there's an even number of the colors. I don't know why.
3. I hate the sound of pencil on paper. Unless you're using it to draw I don't want to hear that scritchy scratch noise, it's like nails on a chalkboard.
4. Cleaning helps me think and makes me feel both productive and relaxed. Like scrubbing a bathtub, not just picking up clothes.
5. I squeeze my toothpaste from the bottom of the tube up so that it's nice and neat. I hate it when it's all squished and deformed. Again, don't know why, but my dad does it, too.
6. I'm one of those people that will make fun of you if you spell something wrong, or at least let you know about it if you're my friend. I'm a grammar nazi.
7. When I text, as long as I'm not feeling lazy, I use capitals and correct punctuation. I hate all that texting lingo.
8. I really really enjoy making lists. More than someone should. This is a prime example. I love using lists to plan things, like what I'll need on a trip. I'm really forgetful as it is so I like to make sure I don't miss something.

 I don't think I'm any weirder than anyone else, we all have weird habits.

Day 11

An Animal You'd Like To Have As A Pet

This is a Fennec Fox! You have to get permits to have them in Arizona, but look how adorable! I'm a sucker for big eyes, ears, and other weird-but-cute features. They're mainly nocturnal animals and they really like to dig and make crazy noises. Actually, those noises are the one thing that make me questions if I want one or not. They kind of screech like they're dying, and that's when they're excited. Otherwise, so fucking cute I can't even take it.

The Bucket List

Ten Things You Want To Do Before You Die

1. Go To Japan! Also, just travel in general. I really want to get outside of the states and have some cool stories to tell for the rest of my life. I feel sort of sorry for the people who get stuck in the same place for so long for one reason or another. Even if they're happy with it, it's probably just because they don't know any better, which is sort of how I feel. I'll always love Prescott, but there's so much out there I can't imagine spending my whole life here.
2. Be A Parent. This still scares me, but not as much as it used to. I know it'll happen some day because I want it to, and it'll happen when I'm ready. It's silly but I secretly really want twin boys, which is very but not entirely unlikely, since twins run in my family. I'm really afraid of raising a girl, which according to the laws of the universe means I will probably have twin girls instead. Whatever happens, I can't imagine anything more rewarding than raising a family.
3. Kiss The Blarney Stone. I'm Irish, and I can't help but feel like I should do this. For those who don't know, the blarney stone is a block of bluestone built into the battlements of Blarney Castle. You have to have someone hold you upside down, hang on to some handles, and kiss it. It's supposed to give you the "gift of gab" or "skill of flattery." To me it just sounds lucky and a funny thing to do.
4. Have A Steady Career. Not all adults achieve this, especially today. From what I can tell, it's something like having a child too early that gets you stuck in lots of dead end jobs to pay the bills, feed the child, and almost never do anything fun. There are people who can still function beyond this, and that's great, but personally I'd like to be financially stable before I start a family.
5. Write a Book. I've mentioned this more than once, I think. It's not an easy thing to do, but I think I could do it. Taking writing classes has really been helpful, despite not really being credits towards anything specific. I don't regret taking them. I've always loved to write and instead of just writing without a purpose and never getting better I decided to keep learning. I'll still be taking classes of interest when I'm old, I'm sure.
6. Take A Cooking Class. In the next while I don't know if I'll get around to it, but I'd really like to get into cooking. To be honest I'd love to be able to make Mikey his favorite foods when he visits, and although I'm good at following directions I know that's not all it takes to making deliciousness. I'm more interested in foreign foods like Thai and Indian, so I'm hoping there are some specific classes for that kind of thing. Somewhere, someday. Till then I'm just gonna start makin' stuff and hope I get the idea.
7. Be Spontaneously More Crafty. Things like tack balloons full of paint on a wall and throw darts at them. Weird and long but it's something I've seen done in movies that looks so ridiculously fun I want to try it. I'd have to have a place to do this, obviously. But really I just want to be craftier and do crazy spontaneous things like this. Paint more, take a sculpting class, make pottery, jewelry...I've been wanting to make my own gauges recently and I bought some stuff do it, just haven't gotten to it yet. I think I will soon, since I'll have a lot of time very soon.
8. Own My Own Dog(s). I figure I should learn how to take care of my own animal(s) before I decide to take on children, but I've mentioned before how much I want a dog. If I had a place I'd have one already, thought I'd worry about it being alone when I had to work and such. I'd take it with me whenever I could. I would love to have a Corgi or two, or maybe a Shiba Inu (yes it's a Japanese breed, you know me). Really though, I'd settle for any large eared mutt if it was cute enough. I would love to take my furry friends on long road trips and camp trips.
9. Meet A Celebrity (In a Strange Place). Who doesn't want to see someone like Bill Murray walk into the coffee shop they're sitting in? I've always wondered if this ever happened, who would it be? If I do end up traveling as much as I want to I'm sort of hopeful that I might spot someone well known, just to say that I did. More than that though, I'd love to meet them and for whoever they are not to think I'm some freaked out fan, but a normal human being.
10. The last thing I'd want to do before I die, is Arrange a Will and A Non-Traditional Funeral. This sounds silly or normal or whatever, but I think we take this ability for granted. What if we die before we get a say in what happens after? My friends and I talked about this when Cameron died (because his funeral was strange and religious, and we all agreed it wasn't Cameron-like) and told each other what we wanted in hopes we wouldn't forget. Personally, I'd leave my things to the closest people in my life and I'd like to be cremated and have my ashes made into keys, possibly with "Never Forget" etched into the sides, with my birthday and death date. I hate coffins and I hate the idea of being another slowly rotting body in the ground. Gross. I'd much rather my loved ones be able to carry pieces of me around in the form of my favorite symbol. I don't know if the keys would be to something, because that would take a lot of planning, and I don't want to spend that much time planning my death. Living is more important, obviously.