Thanksgiving For Two

°Turkey legs; soaked in a brine over night, rubbed in savory spices and baked
°Roasted veggies; broccoli and asparagus tossed in olive oil, salt and pepper, baked, then zested with lemon and generously sprinkled with parmesan.
°Twice baked yams; cut into bite sized pieces and baked in a brown sugar syrup, then layered with marshmallows and baked a second time.
°Sweet hawaiian bread; lightly heated.
°Rum and cider; apple juice mixed with cider spices and Kraken.
°Homemade Apple Pie
and
°Chocolate Mousse Pie

  Our first official holiday with just us. The food was nicely balanced and we were each in charge of certain dishes. Oven times were pretty evenly coordinated; we watched Addams Family Values and later went to see Rise of The Guardians in theatres. Overall, cozy and memorable. 

  But there was this huge hole where certain things should be. Family members, tv noises, snacks, going to my grandparents' house, his parent's house, my dad's house. It was the weirdest thing. I really really missed it. And yes, Michael is my family and I'm grateful we got to be together for Thanksgiving seeing as we won't next year, but it was our first holiday alone.

 It was strange.

 And I was a little sad.

 I'm hoping that two years from now we'll have a perfectly normal noisy family filled holiday again, because that's the way it should be.

Hope

H – Hope

36. Love – real or not?

It's definitely real but it comes in all kinds of forms. Though I think real love lasts. It's obvious when it's real. There's no delusion about it. 

It's not real when you're forcing it.

It's not real if you doubt it at all.

If it is, you'll know it.  
37. Are you a pessimist or an optimist?

Pessimist. Especially lately, because every time I try to be optimistic I'm let down. Being pessimistic, you can be pleasantly surprised when things finally turn out well.
38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way?

I think on a smaller scale, actions definitely have consequences. But I also firmly believe that things happen for a reason and no matter what you do you will eventually end up where you're meant to be in the long run.
39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive?

Yes. I at least really really want to think so.
40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying?

 I'll answer this with a note to myself.

Hey you,

  Remember that no darkness lasts forever. Remember telling this to a downtrodden teenager in high school after you'd already graduated, and how much he believed in you. Take your own advice. Remember when things were okay, but don't be upset that that's not how they are now, look forward to the fact that they can be that way again. You won't always be stuck here. Things change whether you like it or not, you know this. There's more change ahead and it has the potential to be really really good for you, so hang in there. You have learned things here, no matter what it feels like. Taking care of animals, cleaning house, cooking meals, these are things you never really did before. Think about the little things. Remember that they add up. Keep appreciating what you have the ability to appreciate, it's probably the best thing you can do right now. Stop focusing on what everyone must think of you. Keep getting out of bed every day. Keep exercising. Eventually, life will find a way to get you out of here because you are not meant to stay here and you know it. 

  It really will be okay.  

News

  While I've been trying to cut down on blogging, things have happened that have made it really difficult to stay away. It's just a bad idea to write when things are fresh and I'm upset about something. Even when I try to talk to people individually when I'm upset it's sometimes a bad idea. I think it's because I don't want to be told how to make my situation better, that I should change my attitude or suck it up, I just want someone to listen and try to understand so I feel less crazy and alone.
  After graduating Michael was put into a new unit. We held our breath for a moment because between the two units he could go into, one was deploying next year and one wasn't.
  Guess which unit he got?
  Michael kept giving me the "it's bound to happen, this is what I expect" speech but it wasn't any less heartbreaking. Some people go into the army and don't deploy at all their entire contract. After we got stuck here more permanently I sort of thought we'd end up dodging that bullet.
  So after a few days I started to feel okay about it. It wasn't for quite a while, we don't have to focus on it and it also means I get to live in Arizona again. (No way in hell I'm living in Oklahoma for no reason without my husband, are you kidding?) It still feels like one big ticking clock scenario, like waiting for him to go to bootcamp only much much worse, but we have time.
  Now that he's not a trainee, he's supposed to do something related to his job, or at least that's what we thought. Instead they told him he'd be on "detail" which can be anything from janitorial work to sitting in a room for up to 24 hours watching screens. He ended up getting a really strange one; the latter mentioned detail every three days. 16-24 hours doing basically nothing. It didn't seem so bad until a day later, when they said
   "Oh by the way, this detail requires that you can't take leave for 6 months."
  Meaning no Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or any Arizona vacation until May. Next year. And he's deploying! Finding that out shattered any hope I had left of feeling normal until Michael gets out of the army. I want so much to be home with family this year for the holidays. But I can't leave if I'm not going to see him for the holidays next year.
  I hate this, I hate feeling like he's being controlled and in turn feeling like part of my life is controlled. I don't want this. I just want a normal life with my husband. I'm sure that's how a lot of military wives feel. But for whatever reason it's taken control of everything. I'm too afraid to do anything useful with my life because I'm so worried something is going to change again and I'll have to drop it to move on again. I'm not used to this, I have a really hard time handling this. That much is true. I just want to be surrounded by people I know who can distract me, not lecture me, so I can start feeling better.
  Sometimes the advice I get can feel like a lecture, and it makes me want to scream not only because I keep hearing the same thing from different people, but because most of them have no idea what this is like and all of them don't know how I think or why I'm having such a difficult time. Everything about my "situation" sucks out my soul and energy and no matter what I do something always happens to break me down again. Everyone says "distract yourself, join a group, go meet people." But I'm kind of socially retarded. And I have no motivation.
  I just need to vent sometimes, not be told how to think and feel. It bothers me a lot. I'm having a really hard time being optimistic, and I can tell that Michael is starting to feel unhappy too, which is hard to see. We need to go home, to recharge, but he's not allowed to, and I'd feel so guilty going home without him right now. He might "understand" that I need to, but it wouldn't make me feel any better leaving him alone on a holiday when I won't even be able to see him next year.
  I don't know, everything feels so gloomy right now.

Happy November, F&G

A pretty picture of Charlotte Hall in Prescott Arizona in November. [source]

  The jump from October to November has always surprised me. Nothing feels as sudden as running around in the midst of Halloween activities all night, then waking up to an entirely new month that brings a totally different holiday in a matter of weeks.
  I love Halloween, and although my husband and I did our best to find something to do I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed. If I'd been back home, I probably would've gone to a Lamb of God concert the night before, a crazy fear festival of some kind in Phoenix, and drank a lot in my Corgi kigurumi with friends around town. So this year couldn't help being a bit of a let down from those expectations.
  It gets even harder to be somewhere else when the holidays roll around. It's hard not to think about what I could be doing, or what everyone else is doing. These few months are always really special with our families, and that's the way it should be. I look forward to the days when we live in Arizona again, possibly starting our own family and always being around to help during Thanksgiving and Christmas.
  Just so I don't trail off too much, here's some more of the alphabet challenge:

F – Family

26. Is there anyone in your family you don’t talk to? Why?

Sadly yes. One member of the family purposely disowned us shortly after deciding she was mormon, and after hearing the way she treated her own flesh and blood I never really forgave her. She was also really awkward at her fathers (my uncles) funeral and her and her brother got into a fight. 

After that my cousin's new wife had been making a stink over wanting the spotlight in the family for some reason. She told me to change my wedding date because it was too close to her wedding anniversary. I don't think I'll ever speak to her again. 
27. If you had to choose, family or friends?

I have few friends that I'd call family by now. Mostly my best friend. Beyond that, family. Together Michael and I have a ton of it.
28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything?

I definitely talk to my parents about totally different things. I go to my dad for financial life advice, and my mom for homemaking advice.
29. Do you have any siblings? If so, do you ever get jealous of them?

My younger brother. No, our lives are too different.
30. How often do you spend ‘quality time’ with family members?

Well as of now, I try to spend a few hours with different family members at a time when I go home. It depends. 

G – Growing

31. How tall are you? How tall do you wish you were?

5'6". Sometimes I actually wish I was a few inches shorter because that's the average height of every other female I know. I find myself hunching when I hang out with people.

32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that? 

 Definitely not. I stopped growing a few years ago. As for emotionally growing, I don't know about this past year. I guess in a way, yes, finally living in a house I have to take care of with a husband and pets has been interesting. But there's a lot coming that I think will change me more.

33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish?

I know I'm mature for my age, but I like acting childish at times if only to cheer myself up. Like right now I'm in my Corgi kigu and I'll probably be watching kids movies all day.
34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50?

A little bit. I mean it's going to happen, there's nothing I can do. 30 is going to feel so weird.
35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn?

I'm open to that fact, yes. I'm always trying to learn something, though, whether it's movie trivia or things about other cultures.