Technically, "Day 8"

So I'm trying not to totally give up on my little blog. I've decided, however, I'm probably abandoning my laptop. Michael will let me use his until I decide what to do. Do I want a desktop? Absolutely. Do I have anywhere to put it right now? Uh, negatory. I have to discuss it with my dad, because any money I use for a computer is also supposed to go towards schooling later on. I don't know how later, because I don't think I'll need it for Glendale Community College, where I'm transferring. I'll be reapplying for financial aid just to see if I can get any more out of the government. I did enjoy being given $5,000 this year for essentially no reason.

So anyhow, it's about eight in the morning and I'm feeling up to a few entries today to do some catching up. I left off on Day 8: Something You Never Get Tired Of Doing.

Well I'll include a few things, because I always feel listing just one thing makes it kind of pointless and boring.

1. Eating Candy

Chocolate Covered Ding Dong Happy Face

I know I'm supposed to be growing up and whatnot, and eating lots of sugary things is supposed to be a child's habit, but I think my love for candy and the intensity of my sweet tooth has actually grown since I got out of High School. I can't resist going into a candy store and buying a bag of mixed treats. And I always love getting the stuff I can never find in Prescott. Cinnamon Bears, Rock Candy, Chocolate Covered Sunflower Seeds, Sour Belts, Jelly Belly's....I fucking love candy. I wish Fuziwigs hadn't left our mall. And Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. I usually can't just walk by if I've got a little bit of spending money. This habit and the big meals I eat with the Cook's definitely explains the weight gain when I stopped working out, but I'm happy to report I'm starting to lose some pounds and I'm getting back into being active. I have to really whip myself if I want to not feel guilty about my love for sweets. It's certainly better than a love for meth, yes?
                                                                                                                                            

2. Watching Favorite Movies 

 There's a few movies I've seen over and over and I know every line and I could hum the whole soundtrack but I'll still watch them, especially if I'm sick. It's a comfort thing. My love for movies has certainly grown, too. I can appreciate how they're made, and one of my favorite games to play is Recognize That Actor. I've gotten really really good at that. These movies include, but are not limited to:
-Hook, the movie about Peter Pan after he has grown up (even though he said he wouldn't). Hook kidnaps his kids and demands a war, and so Peter has to get in touch with his inner child again. I never get tired of it.
-Beetlejuice. A couple who dies wonders how to handle the afterlife when they seem to be trapped in their house. Looking for help, they find the wrong guy: a poltergeist named Beetlejuice. I love the soundtrack and how crazy it gets.
-The Breakfast Club. As I've said, I love 80's movies. But this one is just a classic. Five kids of different cliques spend a day in detention together, where social boundaries are pushed and lessons are learned. Awe. If you're one of those people who haven't seen it, shame on you.

There are a few more that are newer, but these are the top three. I also love Coraline, Wanted, and Jennifer's Body. I mean, I love movies, but there are those that make it to hard copy on my shelf and those that don't.

I'll call that good, because I want to get to a few more before I get too ADD. Plus, I need to eat breakfast eventually.

The Long Overdue Entry of Day 7: Stress

For a moment I thought about climbing rocks again, but I think there's a difference between stress and fear, although they do get paired together pretty often. But this is about things that stress you out.
It's difficult to explain the things that stress me out because I'm fairly sure the things that stress me out sometimes don't affect the average person. I've gotten it under control in the last two years but it used to be pretty bad. Puberty was definitely the worst time for stress levels in my world. This included:
1. Freaking out when I couldn't find something. Yelling profanities, throwing shit around and otherwise raging.
2. Not wanting to go other places if not properly prepared. I think this started happening when I woke up in too many strange places with not enough sleep, dried out contacts and a headache. I'm still guilty of this, I just don't worry about people judging me when I show up with a duffel bag and a pillow. I value my comfort, I guess.
3. Crossing streets. I mentioned this one or two entries ago. It's not so bad now but I'm deathly afraid of being hit by a car. Crossing streets (without a crosswalk) used to make me hyperventilate. It's just not the way I want to die, or not die. I wouldn't want to survive but be a vegetable, something like that.
4. Deadlines. Although good for me in most cases, they make me freak out and do things way too far ahead of time, stress out and not allow myself any fun or down time until I get whatever it is I need to do done and turned in. I'm working on allowing myself breaks and skipping a day or two here or there to relax before a deadline, because it really helps. I still get it done and get good grades.
5. Cops. I've never been pulled over but I've been in a few situations where I could have or should have been arrested. And too many things have happened to friends or friends of friends that has just made me really cautious around cops. I was way more sketchy when I was younger, obviously. I hung out with sketchy people who had reasons to be afraid of the police, so it just rubbed off.

The biggest thing stressing me out right now is Michael leaving. Those of you in close committed relationships know what its like to be with someone constantly (not even minding it of course) and being really bored if they go off and do something without you. But how many of you know what its like when they go off for nine weeks? How about fifty two? Because that's what I'm about to endure, and I'm certainly freaking out.

 I'm an army girlfriend. Never thought this would happen. Ever. Previous boyfriends have asked me what I would do if they joined, and I said I would leave. But this time I'm staying, because I'm out of High School and into real life, and I don't think I'll ever find anyone like Michael in the entire world if I tried. I'm not missing this. It's just...what do I do, you know? That's what stressing me out the most. Sure, I have a general plan of what I want to achieve: Work out, finish college requirements, play some video games, get drunk with Deroy and learn how to cook Thai food, but as for a day to day basis I can't stand the thought of waking up alone, eating breakfast alone, watching movies alone etc etc. I don't do too well alone. I like to say I'm the only person I have in the end but to be honest that's what I hate. You can't escape yourself. That's my problem, which is a really personal thing to admit but it's the truth. Maybe it sounds like Michael is some kind of escape, but that's not what I mean. I don't feel like I have to explain because I know there are some people out there who know what I'm talking about.
So my current worries are how to distract myself. And how do I treat his family? How will they treat me? I'm with them more than my own (which is what happens when you date Michael, apparently) and I would feel too awkward to contact them without being contacted first, that sort of thing. Wouldn't want to pull a You-Know-Who and invite myself over to dinner or anything like that. But his cousin has offered to hang out with me, and she knows the most about being with someone in the army, so I do have that.
I just feel sad and awkward, because I know I'll be spending a lot of days home alone and living off of smoothies and power bars because I won't have the enthusiasm to get anything else. I can be creepy and wear his clothes and play his XBox and pretend he'll be home soon, but that's not the reality. I'm left to my own devices, to focus on myself and my future, which makes me really uneasy and I'm just sort of dreading it.

I would so appreciate encouraging words and random invites to social events to cheer me up, that would be amazing. Especially if it involves booze. Just don't let me drink too much, or I'll end up crying in a corner about my boyfriend.

Ha?

Not really.

Computer Problems and Distractions

I'm typing this on my iPod, which takes a bit longer to do and leaves room for tiny but irksome errors, so I apologize ahead of time.
My laptop has a virus. Again. And since the screen is slowing burning out and I haven't had a real operating system on it since I got it I just want to throw it out the window and get a new one, perhaps smaller and accompanied by a terabyte portable drive. But I also am thinking of giving up on laptops and buying my own desktop. I can't decide.
I was also only letting myself do homework on my computer before it officially freaked out on me. I was really behind in my online class and it kept getting worse when I worked and was too tired to do it. Thankfully I powered through most of it today hours before it was due. Because that's what kind of college student I am.
So that's my excuse for being behind on my blogging, though I'm sure no one was really gripping the edge of their seats waiting for the next installment.
I should be up and running again soon. If I can figure out how to post pictures from my iPod, or if that's even possible, I suppose I could try doing that. It's really awkward, though, like texting, and I would much prefer my computer.

"Day 6" Useless Info: My Bag

What's In Your Bag? Things You Don't Leave The House Without

My purse is too big and already falling apart. It doesn't help that I keep way too much in it, like:

(Front Pockets:)

1. Wallet

2. Makeup (concealer, coverup, 2 kinds of mascara, three kinds of eyeliner etc.)

3. Headphones, pens, pencils, highlighter, sticky notes

4. Digital Camera

(Inside:)

5. Black Molskine notebook/ pad of paper from work

6. School spiral bound planner

7. Soft plastic case of personals (pills and stuff)

8. Vitamins

9. Excedrin, mydol, pamprin

10. "Sprunch" hairspray

11. Two pairs of sunglasses, one nice one cheap

12. Scorpion finder flashlight (mostly to show off my tattoo)

13. (Sometimes) A book

14. Gum

14. Hand sanitizer

15. Deodorant 

(Back hidden pocket:)

16. Aquaphor

17. Eyedrops

18. Cold medicine

19. Orajel

20. Contact solution

21. Chapstick

It does look pretty stuffed when you look at it...And yes, that is too much and yes it does hurt my back and throw off my balance. I need to do something about it. I don't know why I lug so much stuff around, I don't even need most of it on a daily basis.

Takin' My Time

Since I put this challenge together, I decided to not freak out and try to post every day, but instead be chill and do it whenever the hell I want, which in fact has something to do with Day 5: Something You've Learned

One of the big things I've learned in the last two or three years is to slow down. With an anxiety disorder it sometimes feels like everything is life and death. Everything is in fast forward. Twenty minutes feels like two and you feel like you're going to be late all the time. Crossing the street feels like suicide; cars that are far away seem like they'll be in your face in seconds. Little things turn into big things, and you feel like you're on some terrible drug high.

At least, that's how I feel sometimes.

So in the last couple years I've learned how to take a deep breath and get it under control. Mostly. Sometimes I still freak out over stupid things. Telling me to calm down does nothing, however, but just makes it worse because it just makes me think about how I can't seem to calm down. It's just something I have to deal with on my own.

I've started to realize that time is what you make of it. You can slow down and enjoy it, try to realize how much can be done in just an hour and make the most of it, or freak out as though any second the day will be over and you have to go, go, go. Maybe it's the American in me, my urge for instant gratification, but I'm doing my best to change it. In every other country time doesn't loom over you. Restaurants are open late, and there's nap time and drive throughs aren't on every corner. So what's with the U.S.?

Right now the world is kind of making me feel like I can't do this. April is approaching way way too fast. As of then, life is a snowball of change rolling down a hill until I "settle down" in Phoenix. I have a few options: keep track of time like a freak; count days and such, or pretend time doesn't exist altogether until, before I know it, a year has gone by. I'm really biting my nails about it, if you know what I mean.

Either way, I think slowing down is much better than going too fast. You miss things. Say yes to opportunities to enjoy yourself, and don't worry so much about work or school, because it's the experiences and the people that matter the most, not your GPA or your job status.

That's what I've learned, anyway.