Halloween Costume of 2011: Anarchy Stocking

With some help from Michael (since I couldn't get into my paypal account) we ordered me a costume set of Stocking from the show Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt. I didn't think it was gonna get here on time since they had to take my measurements and make everything, but it arrived today! The day before I go home! It's gotta be the most epic amazing costume I've ever owned. 

Some of the things had to be ordered* separately, but it wasn't annoyingly in pieces. All in all I got:

♥A long blue and pink wig
♥A wig cap (I had another one and since my own hair is so long and thick I'm using both, plus a bunch of bobby pins)
♥A pretty lolita dress
♥Three different sized bows
♥A Velcro sash
and
♥blue and black stockings
It's a little loose which is fine with me.  It's also pretty warm, which is also fine, since Prescott is always way too cold every Halloween season. I'm so excited to have it and I'll probably wear it next year, too, with some additions, like her skull cat doll and sword.

 If you don't know anything about Stocking, she's an angel who loves sweets, and when she takes off one (or both, occasionally) of her stockings, they turn into swords to fight demons. She can eat whatever she wants and she never gains weight (except in one episode, and that's a demons doing). At one point she falls in love with a really strange gross demon and that's the only time she ever is seen to have a love interest.
I find it appropriate that L from Death Note is in the background of this picture, as Stocking and L should get together and have a glorious tea party of sweets. That would be stupendous.

*Everything you see here is from HelloCosplay.com!

Learning To Be Alone

The number one problem I've had most of my life is dealing with being alone. As a child I had my imagination but as that faded I realized I was terrified of the real world. I was terrified of all of the people in it. I don't know if it was the way I was raised; but sometimes it felt like I was the only one who was that scared. I've never liked going places by myself. I hate driving because I'm so paranoid and anxious that someone will hit me. I've had trouble talking to strangers, especially if it's important to do so. When I was younger I had a deep fear and mistrust of adult men. I was afraid of my grandpas, that's how bad it was. I never had a reason to be any of these things. Nothing all that traumatizing ever happened to me. But for some reason I always felt like death was around the corner because I was so afraid of everyone and everything.
I'm still dealing with most of it. Moving to a new city and having a long distance relationship has forced me to do things I've been afraid to do. I've encountered many situations that to some seem like no big deal, but to me have been milestones to overcome. Calling customer service. Asking for directions. Sitting alone in a place I've never been. Trying to drive to a place I've never been to. I've really had to take the little things in my own hands and I sometimes feel like no one gets how important it all is to me. It's hard because I can't just touch them and make them feel what I feel when doing a simple task that scares me (but that would be a neat superpower).
I get really sad being alone, too. I struggle with wondering how sad I can allow myself to be, but sometimes I sink pretty deep before I snap out of it. It's not as easy to fix for me as the average person. I've had to learn how to keep myself company without hating it and talk myself through anxiety and sadness. It's something only I know how to do; a lot of the time the generic advice from other people just upsets me further. I get stuck in a cycle of not wanting to keep helping myself all the time but not feeling any better when other people try to help me, either. It is so frustrating and often I take that frustration out on people. But I keep trying. I sleep on bad feelings and after a while I feel better.
If I hadn't wanted to stay with Michael through his training I'd miss out on learning so much, not only about what our relationship could bloom into but about myself, and those are both pretty important. I feel like I'm on the edge of my potential; not quite there yet but almost. I'm glad I've had this opportunity and I know I'll keep improving. I don't want to go into a marriage hating myself and being afraid of everything. It's a struggle but I'm working at it.

Movie Review: 50/50

I just saw this movie today; I actually didn't think I'd get a chance to because I don't go to movies all that often and I wasn't even sure it came out. If it weren't for my brother visiting I probably wouldn't have gotten to see it 'till it came out on DVD!
Anyway, as you can see it stars Seth Rogen and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, as well as Anna Kendrick (Scott Pilgrim, Twilight). Anjelica Houston made an appearance too; she played Mrs. Addams in two films, so I was entertained to see her in a different role. Right away you can see that Adam's (Gordon-Levitt) life is pretty average. But he's been having back aches, and we all know any aches in a movie means either cancer or unexpected death. (Also that's the premise of the film as advertised, but nevermind that.) Thus beings his process, including how it affects the close people in his life.
Not that I've ever had cancer, but I felt this was a really realistic portrayal of it. Adam just wants honesty. He doesn't have any inspirational break through. It takes a while to really sink in that he only has a 50% chance to survive. And when his therapist starts reciting some general "this is normal" psychobabble, he says this:
"See, but... that's bullshit. That's what everyone has been telling me since the beginning. "Oh, you're gonna be okay," and "Oh, everything's fine," and like, it's not... It makes it worse... that no one will just come out and say it. Like, "hey man, you're gonna die."
 There are some really touching moments in the film, and Seth Rogen serves as comedic relief as his weed smoking (surprise surprise) getting-laid-obsessed best friend. It started getting really powerful though, and just when I thought I was gonna make it to the end without crying, it got me. I won't say when! But I really really liked it, and I think I might actually buy it eventually instead of downloading it. It seems worthy to be in my physical movie collection.
So go see it! If you miss it in theatres or are tight on cash, add it to your list to see as soon as you can. :)

Things I Look Forward To

♥Finally living in a place away from my parents, and thus finally having a job with a purpose aside from buying snacks and gas.
♥Making new place decisions with Mikey.
♥Having my own kitchen to at last discover if I'm good at that cooking thing.
♥Waking up with someone again
♥Having my gaming partner back
♥Hosting get togethers and meeting new people
♥Silly chores and errands that make me feel strangely important and responsible
♥Planning things together
♥Learning more music on the bass and playing with someone
♥Being exactly where I want to be.

Confessions via Anonymous Strangers

I found this site of military related confessions (almost entirely anonymous) and felt like posting the ones I related to or got me thinking. There are over seven thousand pages and of course I didn't go through all of them, just a few!

"Everytime I hear a HOOAH, OORAH, ERR, etc, I have to laugh.  What the hell does that mean anyway?!"
I know it's some kind of old fashioned battle cry thing that's supposed to be motivating but it makes me laugh. I s'pose shouting anything gets you pumped, tho.

"Cheating is the epitome of TRASH."
Seriously. Sex is not water or air or food; I'll never understand what compels people to cheat because they can't just wait to go home to the person they vowed to be loyal to. Some women brag about it, and although part of me is dreading meeting any unfaithful spouses, I almost look forward to it because I will not be nice to them and I will enjoy it.

" I am not a hooah army wife. I love my soldier, and I support him and all the troops, but I don't get into all the crazed rah-rah-sisboomba bullshit that is so prevalent. I don't have stickers on my car or window or anything like that, and my husband is the same way. He doesn't want me to be assimilated, like many Army wives. I am also completely against the war, an opinion I must always keep to myself for fear of being an outcast."
I don't think I'll ever think camo underwear is cute or put stickers on everything. It's his job, not mine. 

"Poor girls had a bad night tonight. they wanted their daddy and cried for 30 minutes. they said to me the army is his family and not them now. it hurt so muchbut i will never tell him that."
This just makes me sad. I'm afraid of my future being like that, if he stays in the military longer.

"What does "support our troops" really mean anyway? I don't know why but when people tell me they support the troops, in reaction to hearing that my husband is in the military, it makes me uncomfortable and I don't know how to react."
After attempting to imagine the lives of the thousand of individuals that are in the military, wondering how they got there, if they had a choice, if they have families, I don't know how to "support" them. Some of them aren't even happy doing what they're doing, and I wish they could go home and be normal people.

"I don't know how to make friends anymore. At social events I introduce myself, I smile, I make small talk, I ask questions and I'm very nice and friendly. Then everyone goes home and I never hear from anyone again. If they see me at the commissary they wave, and that's where it ends."
I'm a little afraid of this, too. I know I'll meet a lot of people, and hang out with them, but then we'll probably move and start all over. I'll always have people in Prescott; I'm gonna miss everyone a whole lot.

I've learned a lot since Michael left. I've learned that some of my previous beliefs were closed minded, and others were right on target. This goes for the military as well as the people supporting it: there is always one person who does something stupid and makes everyone look bad. I don't feel bad for not being as "into it" as some significant others are. I like wearing his tags but that's because I feel closer to him and what he's doing. I admit I'm a bit snarky when people in non-military/non-long distance relationships complain that they haven't seen their guy/girl in days, even weeks. It's just weird sometimes and I don't know how to express it. They don't know what I'm going through is like, but I don't know what it's like sitting at home raising kids while my husband is in Iraq (and I'm hoping I never will, honestly).
I just don't feel "part of it." I felt really detached and strange when I when to his base to see him graduate boot camp. It's a totally different world isolated from everything else.
But either way, it's going to be an adventure, and I wouldn't miss it.

The Great Age Debate

"There’s no good age to handle the military lifestyle. Whether you are the person in the military, or the one waiting back home, there’s no right or wrongs in love. Since most of the things I’ve been seeing have been about relationships, I’ll direct this to the s/o’s. You do what you do because of love. If he/she wasn’t worth waiting for you wouldn’t do it. ...There is no good/bad, right/wrong, ideal/not ideal age to handle the military lifestyle. We do it because we want to. Because we support our S/O and the lifestyle that they chose. If you choose to be with someone who is in the military, no matter how old you are, (and as long as you’re mature about it) MORE POWER TO YA!"
-http://itsjennaa.tumblr.com/
I witnessed some tumblr drama on the military support blog I follow today when age was brought up. People went nuts. Everyone started arguing. It's kind of a sticky subject, but something I think a lot of young military girlfriends/boyfriends go through. People think I'm too young to get married, too.
I've said this before but I never thought I'd be in this situation. I dated the same person through most of high school (most of the people who read this blog regularly know who I'm talking about) and he once asked me what I would do if he joined the military. I flat out said I'd leave him. I didn't mean it to be a threat, I just knew that's what would happen. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wasn't ready for it. And high school was crazy enough without it. The chances were that I'd get tired of it and meet someone else. I knew that. It was just one of the many reasons why I said I'd never date someone in the military.
But we promise ourselves a lot of things, and we break those promises because we change, and life happens. I met the right person. I am so sure of that and if I doubted it at all I wouldn't be afraid to say so. I'm famous for my blunt opinions and honesty (if not the occasional rudeness). I would never go through something I didn't believe in. I was so stubborn about the fact that this would never happen to me; if my feelings for someone were strong enough to melt this stubbornness, I was gonna do it, and I wasn't going to half-ass it. 
I know a few years ago I wouldn't have been mature enough for this. I know that for a fact. That was me, personally, but it's hard not to look down on people younger than me and think that they're not ready, either. However, age is not just a number. It is experience and maturity through time, and not a specific amount of time. Some twenty year olds still act very immature. Some seventeen year olds have seen and done things I could never get through. It's all relative.
What started this big debate was people inferred that this girl running the blog said that sixteen year olds were too young to be in a military relationship (which she didn't specifically say) and so several young girls got all offended and thus began the flood of opinions. However, if you look at things from a legal perspective, sixteen year olds having a relationship (long distance or not) with an eighteen year old (since that's old you have to be to join, unless a parent says otherwise) isn't technically allowed in the first place. And they're still going through literal, physical and mental changes as well. I'm certainly not the same person I was when I was sixteen. So it's hard to imagine someone that age going through the hardships of a long distance military relationship without having to cut it off at some point.
I'm not saying I'm not going to keep changing. But I have solid beliefs and am going on six months long distance in an over two year relationship with no change of heart. I fear the dreaded "D" word very much, but I am confident enough in my relationship that we'll be able to work it out. I don't believe in prenuptial agreements because you shouldn't have to sign a paper that says you won't screw each other over, it should just be understood. I understand that a relationship needs faith and trust and respect (and a shared sense of humor) and without those things you have very very little. I feel like I have everything to gain, I feel ready. And yes, I may look down on girls/couples that don't have these things, but maybe they know something I don't.
So you can't judge a relationship based on age, necessarily, because there isn't always time to stop and justify and listen. Some people aren't even interested. I say to that, move on. It doesn't matter. It's not your life. There's always going to be someone who doubts your relationship, whether you're sixteen, twenty two, or thirty five. It's hard not to stand up and shout about it (I basically already did that in my own way) but if you do, say what you need to say and be done. Breathe. This is part of the challenge of being in a military long distance relationship, and the best way to prove everyone wrong is to make it. Just don't do it purely out of spite, obviously.
If you know what you're doing it doesn't matter how old you are. Just do it.

My Favorite Halloween Time Movies

There are certain movies I watch to get that creepy Halloween feeling. Or even just a fun traditional feeling. Hocus Pocus is a must, as is Casper, and so far I've also watched Halloweentown (an old 90's classic), The Addams Family, and Silence of the Lambs (not Halloween themed but scary enough).
On my list to watch this month: (or recommendations)
∇The Craft
∇Red Dragon
∇The Witches
∇The Witches of Eastwick
∇The Exorcist
∇Little Shop of Horrors
∇Addams Family Values
∇The Brothers Grimm
∇The Number 23
∇Beetlejuice
∇Jennifer's Body
∇Shaun of the Dead
So if you couldn't think of some movies to watch to get you in the mood for Halloween, hopefully I've given you some ideas :)

Phoenix Fun

 Well thanks to Deroy I finally had a decent experience in Phoenix. Not to mention the weather is suddenly very bearable, like Prescott in the early spring time. I finally wore jeans for the first time in months!
I didn't mention my first hookah bar experience a while back because it was rather awkward. I went with a girl from a class and it was a little weird; we sort of ran out of things to talk about. A lot of loud immature people showed up as well, and I found myself standing up to one of them and just flat out telling him to shut the fuck up.
Anyway, the last two days were fun. We went to Walmart first and got some food and snacks and stayed up till we were falling asleep to Jurassic Park 2, like we do. The next day we wandered around the historic district looking for a cafe of some kind. I could've sworn there were more choices, and we got turned around a few times, but ended up where Michael and I went when he visited.

I'll go to A Touch of European Cafe any time, because they have a little bit of everything and it's all warm and delicious. I'm in love with Polish food, and it's all stuff I didn't think I'd like. I finally tried the mustard, and I enjoyed it. Deroy got herself a cheese blintz, and as you see I have the kielbasa platter. Here is the menu. Everything is homemade by the Polish couple that runs the restaurant. I keep wanting to get one of their delicious looking macaroons but I'm always way too full by the time I'd be ready for it. Next time!

I had to talk Deroy into waiting a while before we headed to Tempe because I was full all day from that place. We watched some Modern Family, part of a movie called Four Rooms, an episode of a show called Lie to Me, and whatever else kept us entertained while I tried to digest.
The drive to Tempe is a little long but I feel like I should live there instead of Glendale. It's so much more college friendly and has a lot of cool places all close together, instead of having to hunt one down here. I've been to parts of Phoenix plenty of times but most of those times I don't pay attention. But it finally mattered, so I was finally liking parts of it.
We went to Sushi 101, but I still didn't feel like getting a whole lot of food, so I ordered red bean mochi ice cream instead. It came with two pieces on a plate with some chocolate sauce, and they were very yummy. The red bean part sounds weird but it was just pink sweet ice cream wrapped in sticky rice. I did grab one or two pieces of Deroy's sushi though. She'd forgotten what it was called but I'd never seen it before. The rice was covered in tempura, there was crab on top and lotsa stuff in the middle, including cream cheese which I also normally dislike but ended up liking it with all the other flavors distracting me. I should've taken pictures but there were a lot of people and I would've looked like such a tourist.

After that we stopped by a Spirit store, because I hadn't been to one yet (this year) and I felt strange about that.
We mostly goofed around; I wore an asian hat I found around the store till we left (I had trouble not buying it). I did pick up a small thing for my costume (to be revealed later) and some decorations for my room.
So I'm getting into the spirit a little bit, day by day. Even though I don't like gore I do like most everything else Halloween related. I'm really excited to have a weekend in Prescott, but I'm expecting some freezing weather (as is tradition). Thankfully I think my costume will be fairly warm (warmer than last years) and still kick ass.

Here's Tom with the Weather

It's 9:30am and this is what the weather forecast looks like. In Prescott it's already gotten cold, but here it's just starting to feel bearable. I'm actually excited.
But I realized that as soon as it started to cool off the pool was "too cold" to swim in, at least at night.
I'm slowly learning where things are.
I don't need sunscreen as much as I did earlier in the summer.
...I think I'm adapting. It's strange knowing that this is my last summer living in Arizona, probably for quite a long time.
By the time I get used to things here, and "winter" rolls around (Phoenix has a sorry excuse for cold weather) I have to jump to a place where (so some people have said) the rain freezes in spikes as it hits the ground. We've been warned to have a reliable heater.
I don't really "welcome in the month" as a lot of people do. I do have an idea for a Halloween costume and I'm hoping to stay in Prescott for a few days to go to parties and whatnot. I have the urge to make Halloween themed treats and eventually carve a pumpkin but who knows if I'll get to.
I want to enjoy this October, because it marks a better time of year, but all I want is for this year to be over with. Since I can't speed up time, I'll try to have fun.

Control (or Lack Thereof)

I look back on certain times in my life and I have no idea how I got to where I am today. I also want to punch the past version of me in the face at many moments but until they invent time travel I'm safe from myself.
I know I've made conscious decisions, but I never knew where they would lead me, and yet they've lead me here, and I do get curious about one thing: if I had done something else, would I still be here?
I don't know, to an extent I believe in fate. It just seems like this is where I'm supposed to be. Despite everything, despite all the mistakes and the mess I made of things along the way, I found the one person who doesn't care that I'm very very flawed.
And maybe other things were meant to happen, too. Friendships that didn't work out, relationships that faded or went out with an unpleasant bang. Sometimes I regret deleting photos or throwing things away. But I guess I'm nostalgic enough without them.
As someone told me once (as I apologized for once again making as ass of myself): we're all just making this up as we go. But I'm really awful at improvising and so sometimes I do nothing, because it's better than "causing drama" and risking saying the "wrong" words. In the past I mostly felt out of control. I had no idea what I was doing. I woke up just to see what would happen that day. And I've been to known to either be very good at talking myself out of trouble, or pissing off a lot of people.
I have a terrible temper. And sometimes when I think I'm simply being expressive, whoever is listening to me thinks I'm "flying off the handle," and when I say something like: "no really, this is nothing," no one believes me. I don't really think about how people interpret what I say and I get defensive quick. It's really difficult to manage. But I hate when people tell me to fix it. It's easier said than done, and you're not me. Most of the time I wish people could just ignore it if I sound stressed or angry because I'm probably aware of it.
My whole life just sort of feels like one embarrassing moment after the other, whether it was something I did or said or someone I tried to please that I shouldn't have bothered with. I've said before that I wouldn't change anything, because it's brought me here, but if I was selfish there are several tiny moments I might fix. These are the moments that come to me as I'm falling asleep that make me wince. It's not like I don't feel bad about saying something that pissed someone off, or drinking too much at a housewarming party, or using someone in some way. I'm just terrible at apologies, because I'm busy drowning in shame, trust me. I'm so busy beating myself up that I'm convinced I probably wouldn't be forgiven anyway.
I get tired of making a fool of myself, since I don't realize it until it's too late, but I don't like stressing out about whether or not I'm going to do so, either. That's why I try really hard to have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude.
It doesn't work very well.