Monday, October 29, 2012

I Can't Sleep (D&E)

D – Dealing 
16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? 
 I usually just say something. It's pretty obvious when something is bothering me. Sometimes it may take a bit for me to work up to confrontation, other times I just need to distance myself from said person and get over it.
17. Name a time when you had to be strong. 
When Michael left for bootcamp. Unexpected people were really supportive but some of the people I wanted support from the most didn't seem to give a shit. It was really hard. 
18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? Any kind of abuse at home? 
Both of my parents have divorced twice. I really hated my step dad. He thought he was the shit and verbally abused us thinking he was some sort of royalty or something. Wouldn't leave when we wanted him to. That's all I can say, my blood still boils thinking about it.
19. When people at school don’t accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react? 
Turn in on myself. Read, draw, till I can get away from the situation. Just shrug it off but get quiet. 
20. Have you ever lost someone to death? Explain how you got through it.
My uncle passed away a few years ago. I wasn't all that close to him but it had a pretty big effect on the family that I don't think we'll ever get over. 
E – Experience 
21. Have you ever had a job? Any volunteer jobs? 
A few. Nothing all that impressive. I've never really volunteered for anything interesting. I'm sure I did a few things when I was in Girl Scouts but I don't remember. 
22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all? 
 I'd say so. Being married to the only person I'm 100% comfortable with in that area helps.
23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? 
It's not like my life is that terrible, but I get really emotional for long periods of time. It's hard to get un-depressed, and then everything seems like a big heavy deal. It's been like this since middle school at least, maybe earlier. 
24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? 
Well, I pretty much went from living with my parents to living with my husband. That said, I do sometimes feel like I skipped a step. It may be why it's so hard for me to get my act together lately. But I'll figure it out. I'm only 21. 
25. How old do you act? How old do you feel?
I think I act several years older, but most days I look in the mirror and think "what the fuck, wasn't I seventeen like a few months ago? What happened?" Not only my age, but what my life was like at that age. Life got serious really fast. But I think I'll be able to have more fun in the future. I know I'm not doomed. 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

C and a Song

C – Consequences 
11. What was the longest amount of time you’ve been grounded for?
Probably about a month. I remember because I wasn't allowed to see Michael. This was in middle school, of course. Only because my mom caught us kissing in the dark in my room. But we weren't alone! My friend Shanea was there. We had a dim lamp on and were hanging out in our pajamas on a rainy day after taking a walk in it. It's weird how much I remember from that day, actually.
12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion?
It's weird because this has been on my mind a lot lately. A few months ago I was convinced I'd "take care of it" if it ever happened in the next few years. But now I'm not so sure. No one's ever 100% ready for kids, and even though I have a long list of how I'd like things to be by the time it happens, if we had to do it now I think we could. 
13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? 
Yes, but only when it's more important. I suppose I have been more mindful of others the last few years but I still tend to do what I want to do, and only consider those who matter the most to me. Some of the decisions I've made that other people really didn't like have been the most worth it for me.
14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? 
That's vague. I can think of a lot of horrible things. I guess the worst thing I could think of is if someone I knew murdered my husband and I couldn't prove it. I've been watching horror and thriller movies lately due to the season. I can think of a lot of things I wouldn't want to happen to me. 
15. What is one thing you wish you didn’t do, just because it wasn’t worth it in the end?
I don't know, because I learned a lot from those things. I guess there are one or two people I shouldn't have even tried to be friends with in high school. People my age I thought I was supposed to get along with because of the kind of person I wanted to be but just wasn't. 
 

Monday, October 22, 2012

The Alphabet Challenge

Note: This is now fully listed in my Blog Challenges tab. I'll be doing it as I feel like it, however many letters I feel like doing at a time. Just a little something I found online to pass the time.

A – Accidents
01. Have you ever been in a car accident?
Yes. Once with a guy I dated in high school. We were in a tiny Geo Metro and this girl on her cell phone pulled out in front of us thinking she had time to get past us. Wrong. Our front end hit her back end and totaled the car. We were fine, thankfully, besides a little neck strain.
02. Do you have a lot of scars?
Definitely. I scar really easily. Some I don't even remember what happened, but at least 20 of them have stories I remember.
03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone?
Not exactly. I got physically bullied in elementary school. I wasn't much of a fighter. Years later at a friends house I punched a guy because he wouldn't shut up and everyone had to hold him back so he wouldn't hit me back. Fun drunk times.
04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake?
Seriously? I've never broken anyone's arm or anything. I've never hurt an animal. I think I left a bruise on someones arm once when I bit them playfully. It turned green for a few days and everyone joked that I was a zombie.
05. Have you ever had stitches? Where?
Four in my head, four on my arm and four in my jaw. Childhood injury, dog attack.
 B – Beauty (Post a picture of yourself, say what you like about it)
Genuine smile.

06. Do you consider yourself beautiful?
Some days. It really depends. I have a nice smile. I feel better about myself when I'm a little more dressed up with some makeup, but I know I don't need it.
07. Are you self conscious of how you look?
Not usually. I like to at least look decent if I'm going somewhere, but I don't spend too much time on it.
08. Do you put on a lot of makeup?
No. Most days I don't bother putting any on. When I do, it's the basics: coverup, eyeliner, mascara. Maaayybe lip gloss or something.
09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery?
No. I really don't want to change anything about myself that badly. I guess I was self conscious of my ears when I was younger, but they don't bother me anymore.
10. What do you think makes a person beautiful? 
Natural things. Warm colors, messy-but-pretty hair, and confidence. 
 
 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Arizona Moments via Instagram

First of all, it's hard to sleep knowing you're about to ride in a car for 14+ hours to your hometown. Yet somehow, 4 hours of sleep, several monsters and coffees and 15 hours later I wanted to go out when we got home. I could finally go to the bars! So I went to Moctezuma's, where I met my best friend and some old faces for drinks and dancing before I just couldn't stay awake anymore. I think 23 straight hours was enough. 
 We almost always end up at Bri's, since there's almost always something going on there. I met some new people, saw others I hadn't seen in a long time, and realized my brother hangs out with people I know now. He got there before I did! I've had some pretty interesting times at that apartment, and I always enjoy just hanging out there. 
A silly mirror picture of us/Our dogs enjoying my in laws' big leather couch/an inherited hookah from Singapore in the 1980's/duets with Dylan, a guy I hadn't seen in literally years!

More on the dogs though, we attempted to take them to the dog park out there one day, and it didn't go too well. They really haven't met too many dogs in their life that they haven't been separated by a fence from, so the dog park was this whole new world they didn't understand. Toki had a complete fit when some big dogs decided to make a game of chasing her. She yelped like they were tearing her apart, when they weren't even touching her! It was sad and frustrating. So we really need to socialize them more. 

Laps around the square downtown/walking to breakfast with Deroy/family time with cousins/pretty trees/Gameworks adventure/the boys reunited

Arizona seemed magical this time around. Being so depressed and lost in a beige town with nothing to do really put it in perspective. I desperately want to just move back and forget about Oklahoma forever but after the initial disappointment and extreme let down of being stuck in the very place making me miserable I realized I have to try, I can't just ditch my husband here. 

Still, I can't even describe how it feels on that drive back. Not only does it seem to take even longer, it's just really sad to walk back in to a mess of a house and realize just how much you need to get your shit together, but feeling alone and hopeless all over again. Anyone I got to know has moved, and it feels like starting right back at square one. We're house hunting for a new place, and hoping to go back to AZ for the holidays. 

So I've been on hiatus from blogging while I thought about things and regrouped. It's not often I get all dramatic, post something emotional, delete posts and completely disappear like that. It's probably a good idea that I don't sit and blog about virtually nothing all the time for the next two months while Michael and I try to make a new start here. Maybe one or two posts here and there, but taking a break from blogging was kind of nice. I can see why some people just stop doing it. 

Some bonus pictures: 
Mikey on his cousins tiny pink bicycle/Big gathering at the Cooks with a fire included/Distant view of Thumb Butte while walking with Serra/Don't text and game