Control (or Lack Thereof)

I look back on certain times in my life and I have no idea how I got to where I am today. I also want to punch the past version of me in the face at many moments but until they invent time travel I'm safe from myself.
I know I've made conscious decisions, but I never knew where they would lead me, and yet they've lead me here, and I do get curious about one thing: if I had done something else, would I still be here?
I don't know, to an extent I believe in fate. It just seems like this is where I'm supposed to be. Despite everything, despite all the mistakes and the mess I made of things along the way, I found the one person who doesn't care that I'm very very flawed.
And maybe other things were meant to happen, too. Friendships that didn't work out, relationships that faded or went out with an unpleasant bang. Sometimes I regret deleting photos or throwing things away. But I guess I'm nostalgic enough without them.
As someone told me once (as I apologized for once again making as ass of myself): we're all just making this up as we go. But I'm really awful at improvising and so sometimes I do nothing, because it's better than "causing drama" and risking saying the "wrong" words. In the past I mostly felt out of control. I had no idea what I was doing. I woke up just to see what would happen that day. And I've been to known to either be very good at talking myself out of trouble, or pissing off a lot of people.
I have a terrible temper. And sometimes when I think I'm simply being expressive, whoever is listening to me thinks I'm "flying off the handle," and when I say something like: "no really, this is nothing," no one believes me. I don't really think about how people interpret what I say and I get defensive quick. It's really difficult to manage. But I hate when people tell me to fix it. It's easier said than done, and you're not me. Most of the time I wish people could just ignore it if I sound stressed or angry because I'm probably aware of it.
My whole life just sort of feels like one embarrassing moment after the other, whether it was something I did or said or someone I tried to please that I shouldn't have bothered with. I've said before that I wouldn't change anything, because it's brought me here, but if I was selfish there are several tiny moments I might fix. These are the moments that come to me as I'm falling asleep that make me wince. It's not like I don't feel bad about saying something that pissed someone off, or drinking too much at a housewarming party, or using someone in some way. I'm just terrible at apologies, because I'm busy drowning in shame, trust me. I'm so busy beating myself up that I'm convinced I probably wouldn't be forgiven anyway.
I get tired of making a fool of myself, since I don't realize it until it's too late, but I don't like stressing out about whether or not I'm going to do so, either. That's why I try really hard to have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude.
It doesn't work very well.