Learning To Be Alone

The number one problem I've had most of my life is dealing with being alone. As a child I had my imagination but as that faded I realized I was terrified of the real world. I was terrified of all of the people in it. I don't know if it was the way I was raised; but sometimes it felt like I was the only one who was that scared. I've never liked going places by myself. I hate driving because I'm so paranoid and anxious that someone will hit me. I've had trouble talking to strangers, especially if it's important to do so. When I was younger I had a deep fear and mistrust of adult men. I was afraid of my grandpas, that's how bad it was. I never had a reason to be any of these things. Nothing all that traumatizing ever happened to me. But for some reason I always felt like death was around the corner because I was so afraid of everyone and everything.
I'm still dealing with most of it. Moving to a new city and having a long distance relationship has forced me to do things I've been afraid to do. I've encountered many situations that to some seem like no big deal, but to me have been milestones to overcome. Calling customer service. Asking for directions. Sitting alone in a place I've never been. Trying to drive to a place I've never been to. I've really had to take the little things in my own hands and I sometimes feel like no one gets how important it all is to me. It's hard because I can't just touch them and make them feel what I feel when doing a simple task that scares me (but that would be a neat superpower).
I get really sad being alone, too. I struggle with wondering how sad I can allow myself to be, but sometimes I sink pretty deep before I snap out of it. It's not as easy to fix for me as the average person. I've had to learn how to keep myself company without hating it and talk myself through anxiety and sadness. It's something only I know how to do; a lot of the time the generic advice from other people just upsets me further. I get stuck in a cycle of not wanting to keep helping myself all the time but not feeling any better when other people try to help me, either. It is so frustrating and often I take that frustration out on people. But I keep trying. I sleep on bad feelings and after a while I feel better.
If I hadn't wanted to stay with Michael through his training I'd miss out on learning so much, not only about what our relationship could bloom into but about myself, and those are both pretty important. I feel like I'm on the edge of my potential; not quite there yet but almost. I'm glad I've had this opportunity and I know I'll keep improving. I don't want to go into a marriage hating myself and being afraid of everything. It's a struggle but I'm working at it.