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 Well Mayans, so much for the end of the world. It's been a quiet apocalypse; I don't know about you but it's been an average day. I picked up some stocking stuffers for Michael, he wrapped my presents, and we've been bumming around in our usual routine. I have to admit I was sort of expecting something, if only some rare cosmic event that was non-threatening but had been misinterpreted by the Mayans. I guess they just got lazy and figured 2012 was just so far away they need not continue. Makes sense.
 We finally found a new house to move into, and so last weekend and up until at least Monday or so was a blur of running around town and in between houses. Being our first move with no help, we weren't terribly organized. There are things we could've done differently. But we managed to get out of our old house in the time we were given.

Honestly after over a month of driving by house after house all over town, we found this one just over a mile away from our old place. It seems almost silly how close it is. But so far the neighborhood is so much quieter, and its so much cozier, not to mention more private. I've gotten used to it pretty damn fast. I'd put up pictures of the inside, but as you can imagine it's still an absolute mess, but we're getting it together day by day.

Being silly on the new equipment/pants that finally fit/Christmas ornaments/Anniversary dessert

  In the midst of moving we picked up a basically brand new elliptical from a military family that wasn't using it. I've used it almost every day this week and it's fantastic. Other than about two or three days (spent lifting heavy things back and forth for a few hours) I've kept up my workout schedule, and shortly discovered old clothes that haven't fit me in months finally do. It makes me want to work harder, and with the addition of the elliptical there's absolutely no room for excuses.
  One of the first things I did was unpack our small tree and some rope lights. I found some Christmas-y smelling candles, cinnamon scented pine cones at a craft store and immediately felt more in the spirit. We decorated with ornaments sent from Michael's sister and my parents, including the two new ornaments we picked out this year.

  On top of that, we celebrated our first wedding anniversary! It's been a year of really learning how to be a married couple, with the added military aspect. With the amount of time we've spent together you'd think we'd fight more or find regrets, but I can honestly say that any fights have been momentary misunderstandings and there are no regrets in sight. It's been a really good year for us. All of this moving and settling in to a new house has allowed me to put aside a lot of homesickness and allow me to focus on my time with Michael; seeing as he leaves next fall it's pretty important. We celebrated by driving to a nearby city to have some delicious sushi (there are no sushi restaurants in Lawton) and going out of our way to do a few things we don't normally do. I'm enjoying all of this us time a lot. Next year I'll get lots of time in Arizona to hopefully make up for some lost time here with friends.

  We had a momentary scare when we got the sudden news that part of Michael's unit deploys a lot sooner than he was told. Like, in the next two months. It would seem that thanks to the detail he's on and a few other small factors he's excluded. I thought, how much would that suck, we move to a new place, get all cozy and then he'd have to go all of the sudden! There's always something reminding me of our situation, and not to take anything for granted. I suppose it's a good thing in the long run. I hate every aspect of being in a military relationship except for the fact that miraculously it's brought us closer together than I could've ever hoped. It's a bond I know will last for a really long time.

 So happy holidays to all; love the ones you're with and make the best of it. 

An Annoyance; Plus More Alphabet Challenge

  I'm the kind of person who likes to look back at past entries, re-reading things, editing spelling errors, maybe just reflecting on what I wrote, and I noticed there were links where I didn't put any.
  Apparently now the internet is free to put ads into the things I write.
  There is no part of this that is okay. It greatly diminishes the quality of my blog with a tinge of annoying mindless trash that I can't figure out how to get rid of. I don't know how this is allowed, taking specific trigger words and linking them to spam, and if anyone knows how to fix it I'd like to know ASAP.
  I could go on a whole rant about how invasive media is now, and that advertisements seem to be geared towards those of lesser and lesser intelligence, but I won't.
  Nope.
        I – Issues

41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness?
Pretty much. As long as I can remember. I'm not really sure why. I suppose there are a lot of reasons. 
42. Do you have any type of disease or disability?
Just a crippling inability to interact with 80% of people. 
43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex?
Nope, thankfully no more relationship trouble for me. 
44. Do you think that you are alone in this world?
I think when it comes down to it all things are temporary but yourself, yes. But you can't treat people that way. 
45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away?
Way too often. 

J – Jokes

46. Say a word or phrase that would not be funny to anyone but you & one of your friends (an inside joke)
I'll stop doing it when you stop laughing. 
47. Are you usually the one who makes people laugh,Or the other way around?
There are certain people I meet that I just end up making laugh a lot. I don't know what it is, but I like it. But the ones closest to me make me laugh more. 
48. Do you cry when you laugh hard?
Definitely. 
49. Write down a hilarious moment you had with someone that makes you laugh to this day.
I have trouble remembering things like that. A lot of funny moments tend to be me laughing at other peoples funny moments. They usually have something to do with Michael and his friends. 
50. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class?
It depends on whether or not I have friends in that class. I have in the past, yes.  

And now examples of my friends' antics.

That time Chris and Tony handcuffed themselves together for a whole day.

Feeling left out and creating an invisible table.

Bri and DP posing for a strange cleaning/pizza photo shoot.

This photo speaks for itself.

Exercise Progress

June 2012-December 2012

  It's now been over six months since I started getting down to business and whipping myself into shape. I certainly didn't stop after P90X, though my routine changed and I took a break in October when we visited home and everything about our life was up in the air.
  I had to ease in to Turbofire. Even after P90X Lean, which focuses on more cardio than strength training, I was still pretty out of shape. There was so much movement; fast paced routines and occasionally getting both feet off the ground, something I still struggle with now. I had to stick to one or two classes and get used to them. Once I did, I pumped it up a notch and added longer classes. Now I'm starting to do two classes in a day.

Here's an example of an average week:
Day 1: Turbofire, Fire 45 Class
Day 2: P90X Shoulders & Arms, Turbofire HIIT 15 Class
Day 3: Turbofire Abs 10, exercise trampoline for 20 minutes
Day 4: Rest
Day 5: Turbofire Tone 30 Class
Day 6: Turbofire Fire 45 Class, Stretch 10
Day 7: Rest

  I do tend to have two rest days, but I change it up all the time. I try to have two days of strength training, two or more days of abs, and a ton of cardio. I've started adding on cardio to my strength training days. It's kind of crazy when I think about what I could do even just a month or so ago versus what I can do now. I'd practically drop dead after a Turbofire workout, but now I'm ready for more.

This might be the biggest my biceps have ever been.

  My problem is I still have trouble with what I eat. Not that I'm stuffing my face with nasty things all the time; I still consciously make healthy choices. But I have a snacking problem, and I love food. I get cravings, and I give in to them. It's probably why I'm not at my goal weight yet. But I'm only on my second official month of my own routine, and with all the extra stuff I'm doing I'm hoping to make up for any crap I eat. Maybe I can work my way up to only having one rest day instead of two.

    I have a lot of days when I feel like I've gotten nowhere because I still can't wear that pair of pants I want to wear. But pictures say otherwise, and I still have other clothing that's fitting me better all the time. I still have that belly pooch, and some love handles, and I'd really like my thighs to be smaller, but then I realize I'm being picky. I'm still working on it, and I have made progress. My torso seems longer, shirts pull down lower, and my legs seem longer too.
   Bit by bit I'm getting back to where I'd like to be, where I'm more comfortable with myself. I think my goal for next year will be to get back to a size 7 and maintain that. I'd like to get an elliptical, and keep working out regularly. When Michael deploys, I'll be moving back to the land of the sun, where I can probably swim and without Michael I tend to eat much differently.
  On a more irrelevant note I'll also be chopping off most of my hair. After years of wanting super long pretty hair, and finally having it, I think the affair has about come to a close. I find myself mostly annoyed; it's heavy, hard to clean and gets in the way all the time. Every person who has ever touched my hair knows it's unusually thick as well. When I get a little closer to my goal weight, I'll be cutting off nearly twelve inches.
  So that's that! Still working hard and felt like telling; I can always write down positive things when I check in and it's good for me. After kind of hating and dreading it, I've started to really look forward to working out. If you're looking to improve yourself in multiple ways, P90X and Turbofire are the way to go!

Thanksgiving For Two

°Turkey legs; soaked in a brine over night, rubbed in savory spices and baked
°Roasted veggies; broccoli and asparagus tossed in olive oil, salt and pepper, baked, then zested with lemon and generously sprinkled with parmesan.
°Twice baked yams; cut into bite sized pieces and baked in a brown sugar syrup, then layered with marshmallows and baked a second time.
°Sweet hawaiian bread; lightly heated.
°Rum and cider; apple juice mixed with cider spices and Kraken.
°Homemade Apple Pie
and
°Chocolate Mousse Pie

  Our first official holiday with just us. The food was nicely balanced and we were each in charge of certain dishes. Oven times were pretty evenly coordinated; we watched Addams Family Values and later went to see Rise of The Guardians in theatres. Overall, cozy and memorable. 

  But there was this huge hole where certain things should be. Family members, tv noises, snacks, going to my grandparents' house, his parent's house, my dad's house. It was the weirdest thing. I really really missed it. And yes, Michael is my family and I'm grateful we got to be together for Thanksgiving seeing as we won't next year, but it was our first holiday alone.

 It was strange.

 And I was a little sad.

 I'm hoping that two years from now we'll have a perfectly normal noisy family filled holiday again, because that's the way it should be.

Hope

H – Hope

36. Love – real or not?

It's definitely real but it comes in all kinds of forms. Though I think real love lasts. It's obvious when it's real. There's no delusion about it. 

It's not real when you're forcing it.

It's not real if you doubt it at all.

If it is, you'll know it.  
37. Are you a pessimist or an optimist?

Pessimist. Especially lately, because every time I try to be optimistic I'm let down. Being pessimistic, you can be pleasantly surprised when things finally turn out well.
38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way?

I think on a smaller scale, actions definitely have consequences. But I also firmly believe that things happen for a reason and no matter what you do you will eventually end up where you're meant to be in the long run.
39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive?

Yes. I at least really really want to think so.
40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying?

 I'll answer this with a note to myself.

Hey you,

  Remember that no darkness lasts forever. Remember telling this to a downtrodden teenager in high school after you'd already graduated, and how much he believed in you. Take your own advice. Remember when things were okay, but don't be upset that that's not how they are now, look forward to the fact that they can be that way again. You won't always be stuck here. Things change whether you like it or not, you know this. There's more change ahead and it has the potential to be really really good for you, so hang in there. You have learned things here, no matter what it feels like. Taking care of animals, cleaning house, cooking meals, these are things you never really did before. Think about the little things. Remember that they add up. Keep appreciating what you have the ability to appreciate, it's probably the best thing you can do right now. Stop focusing on what everyone must think of you. Keep getting out of bed every day. Keep exercising. Eventually, life will find a way to get you out of here because you are not meant to stay here and you know it. 

  It really will be okay.  

News

  While I've been trying to cut down on blogging, things have happened that have made it really difficult to stay away. It's just a bad idea to write when things are fresh and I'm upset about something. Even when I try to talk to people individually when I'm upset it's sometimes a bad idea. I think it's because I don't want to be told how to make my situation better, that I should change my attitude or suck it up, I just want someone to listen and try to understand so I feel less crazy and alone.
  After graduating Michael was put into a new unit. We held our breath for a moment because between the two units he could go into, one was deploying next year and one wasn't.
  Guess which unit he got?
  Michael kept giving me the "it's bound to happen, this is what I expect" speech but it wasn't any less heartbreaking. Some people go into the army and don't deploy at all their entire contract. After we got stuck here more permanently I sort of thought we'd end up dodging that bullet.
  So after a few days I started to feel okay about it. It wasn't for quite a while, we don't have to focus on it and it also means I get to live in Arizona again. (No way in hell I'm living in Oklahoma for no reason without my husband, are you kidding?) It still feels like one big ticking clock scenario, like waiting for him to go to bootcamp only much much worse, but we have time.
  Now that he's not a trainee, he's supposed to do something related to his job, or at least that's what we thought. Instead they told him he'd be on "detail" which can be anything from janitorial work to sitting in a room for up to 24 hours watching screens. He ended up getting a really strange one; the latter mentioned detail every three days. 16-24 hours doing basically nothing. It didn't seem so bad until a day later, when they said
   "Oh by the way, this detail requires that you can't take leave for 6 months."
  Meaning no Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or any Arizona vacation until May. Next year. And he's deploying! Finding that out shattered any hope I had left of feeling normal until Michael gets out of the army. I want so much to be home with family this year for the holidays. But I can't leave if I'm not going to see him for the holidays next year.
  I hate this, I hate feeling like he's being controlled and in turn feeling like part of my life is controlled. I don't want this. I just want a normal life with my husband. I'm sure that's how a lot of military wives feel. But for whatever reason it's taken control of everything. I'm too afraid to do anything useful with my life because I'm so worried something is going to change again and I'll have to drop it to move on again. I'm not used to this, I have a really hard time handling this. That much is true. I just want to be surrounded by people I know who can distract me, not lecture me, so I can start feeling better.
  Sometimes the advice I get can feel like a lecture, and it makes me want to scream not only because I keep hearing the same thing from different people, but because most of them have no idea what this is like and all of them don't know how I think or why I'm having such a difficult time. Everything about my "situation" sucks out my soul and energy and no matter what I do something always happens to break me down again. Everyone says "distract yourself, join a group, go meet people." But I'm kind of socially retarded. And I have no motivation.
  I just need to vent sometimes, not be told how to think and feel. It bothers me a lot. I'm having a really hard time being optimistic, and I can tell that Michael is starting to feel unhappy too, which is hard to see. We need to go home, to recharge, but he's not allowed to, and I'd feel so guilty going home without him right now. He might "understand" that I need to, but it wouldn't make me feel any better leaving him alone on a holiday when I won't even be able to see him next year.
  I don't know, everything feels so gloomy right now.

Happy November, F&G

A pretty picture of Charlotte Hall in Prescott Arizona in November. [source]

  The jump from October to November has always surprised me. Nothing feels as sudden as running around in the midst of Halloween activities all night, then waking up to an entirely new month that brings a totally different holiday in a matter of weeks.
  I love Halloween, and although my husband and I did our best to find something to do I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed. If I'd been back home, I probably would've gone to a Lamb of God concert the night before, a crazy fear festival of some kind in Phoenix, and drank a lot in my Corgi kigurumi with friends around town. So this year couldn't help being a bit of a let down from those expectations.
  It gets even harder to be somewhere else when the holidays roll around. It's hard not to think about what I could be doing, or what everyone else is doing. These few months are always really special with our families, and that's the way it should be. I look forward to the days when we live in Arizona again, possibly starting our own family and always being around to help during Thanksgiving and Christmas.
  Just so I don't trail off too much, here's some more of the alphabet challenge:

F – Family

26. Is there anyone in your family you don’t talk to? Why?

Sadly yes. One member of the family purposely disowned us shortly after deciding she was mormon, and after hearing the way she treated her own flesh and blood I never really forgave her. She was also really awkward at her fathers (my uncles) funeral and her and her brother got into a fight. 

After that my cousin's new wife had been making a stink over wanting the spotlight in the family for some reason. She told me to change my wedding date because it was too close to her wedding anniversary. I don't think I'll ever speak to her again. 
27. If you had to choose, family or friends?

I have few friends that I'd call family by now. Mostly my best friend. Beyond that, family. Together Michael and I have a ton of it.
28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything?

I definitely talk to my parents about totally different things. I go to my dad for financial life advice, and my mom for homemaking advice.
29. Do you have any siblings? If so, do you ever get jealous of them?

My younger brother. No, our lives are too different.
30. How often do you spend ‘quality time’ with family members?

Well as of now, I try to spend a few hours with different family members at a time when I go home. It depends. 

G – Growing

31. How tall are you? How tall do you wish you were?

5'6". Sometimes I actually wish I was a few inches shorter because that's the average height of every other female I know. I find myself hunching when I hang out with people.

32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that? 

 Definitely not. I stopped growing a few years ago. As for emotionally growing, I don't know about this past year. I guess in a way, yes, finally living in a house I have to take care of with a husband and pets has been interesting. But there's a lot coming that I think will change me more.

33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish?

I know I'm mature for my age, but I like acting childish at times if only to cheer myself up. Like right now I'm in my Corgi kigu and I'll probably be watching kids movies all day.
34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50?

A little bit. I mean it's going to happen, there's nothing I can do. 30 is going to feel so weird.
35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn?

I'm open to that fact, yes. I'm always trying to learn something, though, whether it's movie trivia or things about other cultures.