The Long Overdue Entry of Day 7: Stress

For a moment I thought about climbing rocks again, but I think there's a difference between stress and fear, although they do get paired together pretty often. But this is about things that stress you out.
It's difficult to explain the things that stress me out because I'm fairly sure the things that stress me out sometimes don't affect the average person. I've gotten it under control in the last two years but it used to be pretty bad. Puberty was definitely the worst time for stress levels in my world. This included:
1. Freaking out when I couldn't find something. Yelling profanities, throwing shit around and otherwise raging.
2. Not wanting to go other places if not properly prepared. I think this started happening when I woke up in too many strange places with not enough sleep, dried out contacts and a headache. I'm still guilty of this, I just don't worry about people judging me when I show up with a duffel bag and a pillow. I value my comfort, I guess.
3. Crossing streets. I mentioned this one or two entries ago. It's not so bad now but I'm deathly afraid of being hit by a car. Crossing streets (without a crosswalk) used to make me hyperventilate. It's just not the way I want to die, or not die. I wouldn't want to survive but be a vegetable, something like that.
4. Deadlines. Although good for me in most cases, they make me freak out and do things way too far ahead of time, stress out and not allow myself any fun or down time until I get whatever it is I need to do done and turned in. I'm working on allowing myself breaks and skipping a day or two here or there to relax before a deadline, because it really helps. I still get it done and get good grades.
5. Cops. I've never been pulled over but I've been in a few situations where I could have or should have been arrested. And too many things have happened to friends or friends of friends that has just made me really cautious around cops. I was way more sketchy when I was younger, obviously. I hung out with sketchy people who had reasons to be afraid of the police, so it just rubbed off.

The biggest thing stressing me out right now is Michael leaving. Those of you in close committed relationships know what its like to be with someone constantly (not even minding it of course) and being really bored if they go off and do something without you. But how many of you know what its like when they go off for nine weeks? How about fifty two? Because that's what I'm about to endure, and I'm certainly freaking out.

 I'm an army girlfriend. Never thought this would happen. Ever. Previous boyfriends have asked me what I would do if they joined, and I said I would leave. But this time I'm staying, because I'm out of High School and into real life, and I don't think I'll ever find anyone like Michael in the entire world if I tried. I'm not missing this. It's just...what do I do, you know? That's what stressing me out the most. Sure, I have a general plan of what I want to achieve: Work out, finish college requirements, play some video games, get drunk with Deroy and learn how to cook Thai food, but as for a day to day basis I can't stand the thought of waking up alone, eating breakfast alone, watching movies alone etc etc. I don't do too well alone. I like to say I'm the only person I have in the end but to be honest that's what I hate. You can't escape yourself. That's my problem, which is a really personal thing to admit but it's the truth. Maybe it sounds like Michael is some kind of escape, but that's not what I mean. I don't feel like I have to explain because I know there are some people out there who know what I'm talking about.
So my current worries are how to distract myself. And how do I treat his family? How will they treat me? I'm with them more than my own (which is what happens when you date Michael, apparently) and I would feel too awkward to contact them without being contacted first, that sort of thing. Wouldn't want to pull a You-Know-Who and invite myself over to dinner or anything like that. But his cousin has offered to hang out with me, and she knows the most about being with someone in the army, so I do have that.
I just feel sad and awkward, because I know I'll be spending a lot of days home alone and living off of smoothies and power bars because I won't have the enthusiasm to get anything else. I can be creepy and wear his clothes and play his XBox and pretend he'll be home soon, but that's not the reality. I'm left to my own devices, to focus on myself and my future, which makes me really uneasy and I'm just sort of dreading it.

I would so appreciate encouraging words and random invites to social events to cheer me up, that would be amazing. Especially if it involves booze. Just don't let me drink too much, or I'll end up crying in a corner about my boyfriend.

Ha?

Not really.