And I check stuff that doesn't even belong to me, not in a stalking way anymore, more of an I'm-so-fucking-bored-please-have-something-for-me-to-read-or-look-at way. Several times a day. It's excessive and unnecessary. And I always get frustrated that people don't put things up on the internet as fast as I want them to. I have problems, clearly.
I think it links to the fact that I'm fucking miserable here. Everything here makes me miserable and some days I don't have the enthusiasm to do any of the things I like or want to do. Some days the most exciting thing I do is leave the house to get Taco Bell with Michael on his lunch break. Some days I don't even leave the house at all. And yeah, I tried the job thing and hated it, and yes, I feel useless and ashamed that I don't have a job anymore, only because I feel like there are people out there waiting for another reason to say I'm not good enough. And because I'd really like to be able to buy things for myself but only because I have some sort of void to fill being this far away from home.
Well damn I didn't even know I'd write some of that.
This has been the most unproductive year of my life. It's been like one big long summer break where all my friends are out of town so I sit around watching episode after episode of shows like F.r.i.e.n.d.s and feeling sorry for myself. But really, there is so little to do around here. This town is missing the stupidest things that could improve it. And whatever it does have has terrible service and incompetent people working it.
Most days I just think to myself "what's the point?" you know? I know it's terrible and pathetic but this is such a strange time of my life. I could've done this and I could've done that, sure, but all of the sudden the clock is ticking and we're getting our projections in the next few weeks. This is what I've been waiting for this entire time. And I am freaking out.
I didn't/couldn't go to the Supai trip this summer I'd been looking forward to for three years because my best friend couldn't go, all of Michael's friends bailed, and Michael himself couldn't go because the army gave him two days off, and one day on before the weekend, making leaving impossible. Now everyone is back from the trip and talking about it and I don't want to hear any of it because it makes me really depressed. I don't even want to talk about going next year in case something happens and we don't go then.
I'm back in this mindset where I'm so negative about everything but secretly hoping for good things just so I'll be very pleasantly surprised. I had a dream Michael got sent to Korea and when I woke up he said three guys got the news that that's where they were being sent and I cried because I don't think I want to go, it's too far, but I don't want Michael to go either.
I just want to go home and have a normal life like everyone else my age. Go to college, rent a place, go out at night with friends and be happy. I hate that I can't just be happy with what I have, something is always missing that I want. But I think family around me isn't an entirely selfish want.
It's nice to get all that off my chest. I have to go eat now, before I forget.
No comments:
Post a Comment