Well, unfortunately I think about this way often than a normal person does. As mentioned in my blog about drugs and alcohol, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression when I was in my early teens. I've stressed myself out to the point of making myself physically ill and have been all kinds of depressed, from being angry and taking it out on others to hiding it till I'm trying to fall asleep at night.
It's rough. Maybe not everyone understands that it's a difficult thing to control. You can't really just "snap out of it." It takes focus and a whole new mindset to pull yourself out of a hole, and that's if you realize you're in it and want to get out. It really does affect everyone around you like those dumb commercials say. Sometimes I just can't function socially, and I've been known to snap at people close to me, assuming they'll understand and forgive me.
Anyhow, the first big official time I thought about ending my life was when I was fourteen. I was a Freshmen in High School and really didn't realize I was depressed. I was having this discussion with my boyfriend at the time about how big the universe is. For some reason, it just really got to me. For the first time, I pictured just how small I was in the vast big picture that is space. Why was I here? Was there any real reason?
I went crying to my mom about how I saw no point in being alive. She freaked, and took me to the hospital, where I was quarantined for a good couple hours because I said I had a "plan." I don't think I really did, I just made up the first thing I could think of. I would've either messed it up or chickened out.
Nowadays every time I completely break down and catch myself thinking: "that's it, I'm really going to do it this time" I stop and think how that would affect everyone in my life. I basically just sleep on it after that and take it one day at a time. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo on my foot that says "Sleep on it" just to make sure I'll always remember to give it time, and that I don't need to take such drastic action.
I don't believe in pills, but there's something satisfying about telling a stranger all the thoughts you can't bring yourself to tell anyone else. That's why I like therapists. Besides that, I try to find things that make me laugh when I'm down. If I can get a little dopamine boost I can remember that my life really isn't that bad. Comedians, silly kids movies, video games, stupid pictures on the internet, combined with exercise and something good to eat is enough to keep me going.
Take your vitamins and eat your chocolate! Also, get some sunshine and do something you enjoy. Never give up, sleep on it, and remember that no darkness lasts forever.
Now here's something to make you giggle:
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