Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Review

The moment I saw the cover of the book form of this, I was already laughing at the idea. There's a popular theme going on in cinema lately in which history is revisited and either rewritten or "secrets" are revealed.
A lot of people are raving about how great this movie was. I'm not one of those people. Sure, some of the effects were nice, the acting could've been worse (I would've liked some wine with my cheesy dialogue) and I enjoyed the fact that young Abraham looked like a young extra hot Liam Neeson but this film requires a lot of suspension of belief in order to enjoy it.
And even then it lost me. If you added up the length this film went into slow motion, a good half an hour was probably wasted on it. A few times is cool. Most of the time anything action-y happens is a bit ridiculous. I tried really hard to take it seriously, but this film took itself so seriously I just kind of gave up. I think it lost me sometime in the beginning when Abraham has a vicious battle with the vampire who killed his mother....on a herd of running wild horses. Just try to imagine that. Just try.
I guess for those people who really don't care about accuracy or abuse of slow motion or ridiculous fight scenes it was fun. Good ridiculous fun. The one thing I'll give this film is it brought back the original idea of vampires being monsters. Actual monsters with big scary teeth who will eat your family so they can laugh every time they see you on the streets and think to themselves his family sure was tasty! But there was also the idea that not all of these monsters are necessarily bad all around, and I liked that too.
Michael was twitching the entire time because he, unlike myself, bothered to read the book and after a feverish rant on the extreme difference between the two I might actually pick it up. The bottom line? The titles are the same. Very little else is. Even actual historical events were left out in the film. His love interest wasn't even his first choice, and he didn't even really like her. And that's just a small detail. The author did his homework and made the story believable. That's something I can get behind.
But this train wreck (haha there was a train wreck in the movie, get it?) of a film, I can't.