Reach Out and Rant to Someone

I should really be finishing my spanish blog right now. I'm supposed to write about what I want my life to be like in the future. A couple months ago I would've said one thing. Now everything is different.

I know I said I'd try not to write anything too depressing, so I won't totally delve into how I'm feeling today but it ain't the greatest. I'm still carrying a lot of weight in my chest and today it was really bringing me down. I'm pretty sick of it. I used to let that kind of weight totally control me and I'd take it out on people, but now I think I do a much better job at managing it.

I tried really hard to distract myself today from the feeling I'm carrying. Work helped a lot, since I work with my best friend Deroy, and telling her things always makes me feel better. Then my friend Stef from spanish came over and we always end up laughing about something and I enjoy that a lot.

But now she's not here. No one's here, really. My mom's asleep. I feel suspended in the night like I'm the only person in the world. Like even if I reached out to someone no one would answer. The silence is loud.

There's too much on my mind and I can't put it here for several obvious reasons.

This feeling brings out the angsty poet in me.  I write stupid poems in prose or rhyme that just make me sound pretentious and sad. Poems about the past, however recent it may be. I look at myself and think "God, you're a fag. Get over yourself. You'll be fine."

I can't let this bring me down. I won't. I have a life to live. I have things to look forward to. Such as....

1) Moving. Somehow, somewhere, and hopefully by next August. But this gets complicated, because I have to figure out:
a) Flagstaff or Phoenix?
b)Who will I live with?
c)Where will I work?
d)Will a University even take me by then and
e) what classes will I take?

I look forward to little things like

2) Getting a dog. I want one sooo badly. A Welch Corgi or a Shiba Inu. They're the perfect size and they're so damn cute. And taking care of an animal would be good for me. I just worry about not having enough time for the little guy if I'm working and going to school. This also means I'd have to live somewhere that would allow me to have one. Maybe it would prepare me for eventually...

3) "Settling down." I've finally accepted the fact that I want to get married. I'm just terrified of divorce, is all. I never want it to happen to me. Both of my parents have been divorced (twice) and it's terrible even from the outside perspective. I've realized I need someone who grounds me, will change with me, won't hold me back, and most importantly will allow me to be a little dramatic sometimes without making a big deal out of it.

 "Don't take away my ability to have a tantrum."

If I ever hear the word "mellow" or the phrase "calm down" again, heads will fucking roll. Fine, I get angry at stupid stuff. If my computer is too slow and it's a bad day I'll punch something. I might stomp around or use inanimate objects with a little more force than necessary. Best thing to do is to let me go through the process and sit back and wait for it to go away, because it will. But if you try to stop me bad things will happen to your children and your children's children. Forever.

Anyway. This is a terrible segway to:

4) Having children. After the career, after the dog, after the getting of the married. I know realistically life doesn't ever go the way you want it to, so I'm probably being pretty silly hoping for everything to go in exactly that order. I need to grow up a little more and create an environment I feel comfortable raising kids in. I couldn't stand it if say, I got pregnant out of nowhere, had no job and was living in a small place mooching off of everyone. *cough*

Some people just shouldn't reproduce. I really want it to be the right time. Wanting it doesn't mean it'll happen like that, though. I know that.

I feel a big change coming on. I feel like something important is going to happen in the next few years. It's going to be intense. The change that has happened recently has made me realize just how much there must be waiting for me out there. I have so much to do. I want to travel before the whole kids thing. I need to go to a concert, maybe even a rave, just to say I did. I want to do a lot of things. 

I just want someone to do these things with.

I think I'll try this photo challenge thing. Might be hard on some days...

Day One: A Photo of You Today