Major Update

Okay. Shit.

I haven't had the heart to blog and keep up with things the last seven days. Nothing was really going on. I was depressed but I wasn't letting it stop me from living.

And it was like the moment I accepted the way things were and expected nothing more the universe decided to stop fucking with me. "Just kidding," it said, "Sorry about that, I'm done now."

See, I try really hard not to be optimistic. That way I'm not disappointed when I get my hopes up and they're crushed with the power of pain. My best friend tried to feed me optimism and I refused it. But I didn't know what to tell myself. One day I was strong, I didn't need the past, I could move on with my life. The next day I just wanted to rewind time and stay there.

Finally I just gave up. "Never gonna happen" was my new mantra. It got kind of difficult, but I said I was gonna do it. It was pretty sad. This whole week has been a mess. Funeral, getting back together with boyfriend, wedding. I've just been crying all week, whether I was happy or sad. Fuckin' A.

I said I wasn't going to initiate anything, and I didn't. I didn't want anything to be my idea, which is what made me so happy when he started showing signs of wanting to be close again.

To make a long story short, he said everything I'd been wanting to hear. I could not fucking believe it, but I've never felt such relief. These last two months without him have just been...confusing. I thought I was kidding myself, thinking I couldn't live without someone. And him being in the army is going to be really really tough. But, his words: "We can do this."

I am so happy and so proud. 

I think it's for good. I'm only a little hesitant to say that. I'm just way happy. I suppose we needed it, because at least now we can take advantage of every moment, since he isn't going to be around all the time. No more bad dreams, no more explosive emotions, no more confusion. Thank God, if said God exists.

And I'm about eight days behind the photo challenge. I'll see if I can catch up, but it's gonna be a busy week. Work and Christmas. Phew. We'll see.

Gah! ^^