Conflictions

(This is going to be one of those sort-of angsty ramblings that seems like a disconnected branch from the tree of casual entries I've set up here for you. Don't read too much into it.)

I miss a lot of things. I've said this before; I miss good times with bad people. Maybe the right place, wrong time, or vice versa. I miss when everyone lived in the same city and we all huddled around a drunkenly made bonfire outside of a tiny apartment. Fall is nearly here and winter is creeping closer, so it makes me look back on all the other falls and winters I've had.
I try to understand things and people no longer in my life all the time. I think about what they say now and if they mean it. We don't have much to say to each other anymore but we say words we know the other will hear, like two lines that once crossed but are drawn further and further apart. I don't even know quite why we do it, if not out of some strange comfort and way of keeping each other around.
I miss when everything started, when everyone was close and no one knew what was going to happen. I miss seeing more than one familiar face in the first hour of my day. I'm surrounded by groups of friends and lovers that I'll never know. They have inside jokes and animated conversations and I sit awkwardly trying to make sure my face doesn't give too much away while I eat my almonds and wait for change.
There are too many people, too many places here. I do miss my small town. I miss pine trees and hoodies. I miss knowing where a place was if I wanted to apply for a job. I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to start and I feel that by the time I do it'll be time to leave again. Does that make me lazy? Or just scared?
But here's the thing. There's no going back. I know there's not much left for me there besides worn memories and the few people who haven't left yet. I'm getting used to this and it's going to be okay. You can't stay in a place forever just because it's familiar. I don't even know what home is anymore. I think it's a person. I think it's wherever that person is. But he's not here. So everyday has a hole in it where he should be.
So I just have to try and make the most of this.
But it's not easy.

I feel better, so I'm going to bed. Thanks for lurking, makes me feel listened to and not so crazy.