I Can't Sleep (D&E)

D – Dealing 
16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? 
 I usually just say something. It's pretty obvious when something is bothering me. Sometimes it may take a bit for me to work up to confrontation, other times I just need to distance myself from said person and get over it.
17. Name a time when you had to be strong. 
When Michael left for bootcamp. Unexpected people were really supportive but some of the people I wanted support from the most didn't seem to give a shit. It was really hard. 
18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? Any kind of abuse at home? 
Both of my parents have divorced twice. I really hated my step dad. He thought he was the shit and verbally abused us thinking he was some sort of royalty or something. Wouldn't leave when we wanted him to. That's all I can say, my blood still boils thinking about it.
19. When people at school don’t accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react? 
Turn in on myself. Read, draw, till I can get away from the situation. Just shrug it off but get quiet. 
20. Have you ever lost someone to death? Explain how you got through it.
My uncle passed away a few years ago. I wasn't all that close to him but it had a pretty big effect on the family that I don't think we'll ever get over. 
E – Experience 
21. Have you ever had a job? Any volunteer jobs? 
A few. Nothing all that impressive. I've never really volunteered for anything interesting. I'm sure I did a few things when I was in Girl Scouts but I don't remember. 
22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all? 
 I'd say so. Being married to the only person I'm 100% comfortable with in that area helps.
23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? 
It's not like my life is that terrible, but I get really emotional for long periods of time. It's hard to get un-depressed, and then everything seems like a big heavy deal. It's been like this since middle school at least, maybe earlier. 
24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? 
Well, I pretty much went from living with my parents to living with my husband. That said, I do sometimes feel like I skipped a step. It may be why it's so hard for me to get my act together lately. But I'll figure it out. I'm only 21. 
25. How old do you act? How old do you feel?
I think I act several years older, but most days I look in the mirror and think "what the fuck, wasn't I seventeen like a few months ago? What happened?" Not only my age, but what my life was like at that age. Life got serious really fast. But I think I'll be able to have more fun in the future. I know I'm not doomed. 

C and a Song

C – Consequences 
11. What was the longest amount of time you’ve been grounded for?
Probably about a month. I remember because I wasn't allowed to see Michael. This was in middle school, of course. Only because my mom caught us kissing in the dark in my room. But we weren't alone! My friend Shanea was there. We had a dim lamp on and were hanging out in our pajamas on a rainy day after taking a walk in it. It's weird how much I remember from that day, actually.
12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion?
It's weird because this has been on my mind a lot lately. A few months ago I was convinced I'd "take care of it" if it ever happened in the next few years. But now I'm not so sure. No one's ever 100% ready for kids, and even though I have a long list of how I'd like things to be by the time it happens, if we had to do it now I think we could. 
13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? 
Yes, but only when it's more important. I suppose I have been more mindful of others the last few years but I still tend to do what I want to do, and only consider those who matter the most to me. Some of the decisions I've made that other people really didn't like have been the most worth it for me.
14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? 
That's vague. I can think of a lot of horrible things. I guess the worst thing I could think of is if someone I knew murdered my husband and I couldn't prove it. I've been watching horror and thriller movies lately due to the season. I can think of a lot of things I wouldn't want to happen to me. 
15. What is one thing you wish you didn’t do, just because it wasn’t worth it in the end?
I don't know, because I learned a lot from those things. I guess there are one or two people I shouldn't have even tried to be friends with in high school. People my age I thought I was supposed to get along with because of the kind of person I wanted to be but just wasn't. 
 

The Alphabet Challenge

Note: This is now fully listed in my Blog Challenges tab. I'll be doing it as I feel like it, however many letters I feel like doing at a time. Just a little something I found online to pass the time.

A – Accidents

01. Have you ever been in a car accident?

Yes. Once with a guy I dated in high school. We were in a tiny Geo Metro and this girl on her cell phone pulled out in front of us thinking she had time to get past us. Wrong. Our front end hit her back end and totaled the car. We were fine, thankfully, besides a little neck strain.
02. Do you have a lot of scars?

Definitely. I scar really easily. Some I don't even remember what happened, but at least 20 of them have stories I remember.
03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone?

Not exactly. I got physically bullied in elementary school. I wasn't much of a fighter. Years later at a friends house I punched a guy because he wouldn't shut up and everyone had to hold him back so he wouldn't hit me back. Fun drunk times.
04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake?

Seriously? I've never broken anyone's arm or anything. I've never hurt an animal. I think I left a bruise on someones arm once when I bit them playfully. It turned green for a few days and everyone joked that I was a zombie.
05. Have you ever had stitches? Where?

Four in my head, four on my arm and four in my jaw. Childhood injury, dog attack.

 B – Beauty (Post a picture of yourself, say what you like about it)

Genuine smile.

06. Do you consider yourself beautiful?

Some days. It really depends. I have a nice smile. I feel better about myself when I'm a little more dressed up with some makeup, but I know I don't need it.
07. Are you self conscious of how you look?

Not usually. I like to at least look decent if I'm going somewhere, but I don't spend too much time on it.
08. Do you put on a lot of makeup?

No. Most days I don't bother putting any on. When I do, it's the basics: coverup, eyeliner, mascara. Maaayybe lip gloss or something.
09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery?

No. I really don't want to change anything about myself that badly. I guess I was self conscious of my ears when I was younger, but they don't bother me anymore.
10. What do you think makes a person beautiful? 

Natural things. Warm colors, messy-but-pretty hair, and confidence. 

 

 

Arizona Moments via Instagram

First of all, it's hard to sleep knowing you're about to ride in a car for 14+ hours to your hometown. Yet somehow, 4 hours of sleep, several monsters and coffees and 15 hours later I wanted to go out when we got home. I could finally go to the bars! So I went to Moctezuma's, where I met my best friend and some old faces for drinks and dancing before I just couldn't stay awake anymore. I think 23 straight hours was enough. 

 We almost always end up at Bri's, since there's almost always something going on there. I met some new people, saw others I hadn't seen in a long time, and realized my brother hangs out with people I know now. He got there before I did! I've had some pretty interesting times at that apartment, and I always enjoy just hanging out there. 

A silly mirror picture of us/Our dogs enjoying my in laws' big leather couch/an inherited hookah from Singapore in the 1980's/duets with Dylan, a guy I hadn't seen in literally years!

More on the dogs though, we attempted to take them to the dog park out there one day, and it didn't go too well. They really haven't met too many dogs in their life that they haven't been separated by a fence from, so the dog park was this whole new world they didn't understand. Toki had a complete fit when some big dogs decided to make a game of chasing her. She yelped like they were tearing her apart, when they weren't even touching her! It was sad and frustrating. So we really need to socialize them more. 

Laps around the square downtown/walking to breakfast with Deroy/family time with cousins/pretty trees/Gameworks adventure/the boys reunited

Arizona seemed magical this time around. Being so depressed and lost in a beige town with nothing to do really put it in perspective. I desperately want to just move back and forget about Oklahoma forever but after the initial disappointment and extreme let down of being stuck in the very place making me miserable I realized I have to try, I can't just ditch my husband here. 

Still, I can't even describe how it feels on that drive back. Not only does it seem to take even longer, it's just really sad to walk back in to a mess of a house and realize just how much you need to get your shit together, but feeling alone and hopeless all over again. Anyone I got to know has moved, and it feels like starting right back at square one. We're house hunting for a new place, and hoping to go back to AZ for the holidays. 

So I've been on hiatus from blogging while I thought about things and regrouped. It's not often I get all dramatic, post something emotional, delete posts and completely disappear like that. It's probably a good idea that I don't sit and blog about virtually nothing all the time for the next two months while Michael and I try to make a new start here. Maybe one or two posts here and there, but taking a break from blogging was kind of nice. I can see why some people just stop doing it. 

Some bonus pictures: 

Mikey on his cousins tiny pink bicycle/Big gathering at the Cooks with a fire included/Distant view of Thumb Butte while walking with Serra/Don't text and game
 

Fictional Characters I Am In Love With

I wanted to do something light hearted again after the last few posts about moving! So, here goes, in no particular order:

1. Mac from Earth Girls Are Easy. Nevermind the fact that he's an alien who's actually blue and furry when he's not shaven, or the fact that I fell for the type of character in a lot of movies (the manic pixie dream person), I don't care. I think Mac is charming as hell. He likes piano, he learns quick, he prefers somewhere quiet as opposed to a club, and hey, two hearts are better than one. And yeah, the fact that he's played by Jeff Goldblum helps. 

2. Tate Langdon from American Horror Story. Alright alright, so this one isn't a particularly healthy obsession, as he's stone cold crazy. I have this terrible weakness for broken fucked up boys. As soon as he started crying I wanted to rip my heart out and offer it to him if it would make him happy. Then I realized I was watching TV. And I was not Violet. And I'm an adult. Don't judge me.

3. Sirius Black from Harry Potter. Even in the books I wasn't sure if I loved him or was in love with him. Older, seemingly crazy guy who turns out to be a teddy bear...I just really loved him in a lot of ways, and my heart still shatters every time I watch/read his death, and before the books finished I denied it until the last page when he still didn't come back.

 4. Louis de Pointe du Lac from Interview with the Vampire. Again, the attraction to tortured souls, I don't know what it is. Sure, I didn't quite imagine Louis to look like Brad Pitt when I was reading the book (waaayyy better than the awful film rendition) but it helped. I think I just liked that he hated being a vampire and told it like it was.
Something about these characters that are preserved in forever and needing someone is a huuuge weakness for me. It's a good thing guys like Tate and Louis don't really exist, or I would've been murdered as a teenager trying to find them.

5. Andrew Detmer from Chronicle. I so wanted to jump into the movie and save this guy from himself, be his manic pixie girl who makes him realize life can be good. This kid just broke my heart. I loved him.
I think the kicker is that he is probably the most realistic of the list. He comes from a broken abusive home and stumbles on something he thinks can make his life better that does the opposite. Guys like him exist and it makes me sad; I want to help them.

6. Nathan Young from Misfits. I actually hated how much I liked him at first because he's such a prick. Seriously he's such an asshole. I was imagining being in the group with them, getting harassed by him and wanting to punch him in his beautiful mouth and being really tangled up in this loathing/attraction.
But then he started showing other sides. Even though he was such a dick he had the ability to care about people. Then it was over. I just admitted it to myself.
I have a feeling the actor himself is kind of a stuck up prick too, seeing as he left the show by choice because he didn't want to be "doing it forever." Is one more season so much to ask? Goddamn. The show went into the crapper when he left.

7. Chandler Bing from Friends. He was pretty much my favorite right off the bat. I love funny awkward guys! I thought it was a shame that he was portrayed as the geeky guy women didn't like.
A sense of humor is probably a trait I consider one of the most important in a person. If you can't make me laugh (or you don't think I'm ever funny) then we really can't hang out.
I think at the very least Chandler would've been a cool friend to have. Him and Monica were so great, way better than all that Ross and Rachel nonsense.

 8. Jareth the Goblin King from Labyrinth. Maybe you disagree, maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about, but I thought Jareth had a pretty attractive hypnotic power. Granted, his idea of love was pretty screwed up, but still. I guess Sarah did the right thing rescuing her brother and whatnot, but I wanted to know how it would go if she'd stayed. I dunno. I'm attracted to terrible people.

I think that about covers it, or at least those are the main ones I can think of. Out of the whole bunch only two are healthy choices and only one is attainable and I basically got it: the funny friend you fall in love with. I already have my Chandler. :)
Still, damn these film people for making me feel things for crazy dudes. I guess it's safe to watch them from a distance in a world that doesn't exist. No big deal.

A (Not So) Quick Rant: Marriage

  The other night someone said to me and my married friends: "You're married so young, why would you do that to yourself?"
  Cue the immediate disgust and rage. It shouldn't have mattered, since said person was some total stranger and it was obvious he was single for a reason. Still, there was a bunch of stuff I wanted to say to said stranger. I just didn't think it worth my time. So I thought I'd bring the rant here.
  I've written about this a few times now, both before and after I got married. Thankfully, my opinions haven't changed at all. I know I made the right decision. For other people I know it's not that easy, and for others still they struggle with ignoring that voice telling them it's not (or wasn't) 100% right.
  It's really not a question of age. I say that with confidence. Although according to science our brains are still developing until we're in our early twenties, when you're with the right person it just works, and you just know. There's this flow to the relationship, and you grow together as you change, not apart.

  I think the biggest problem with recent generation is the fact that certain parts of marriage are glorified, but not others. There's the day itself of course, The Big One. And that's great, I'm not saying it should be toned down. But no one says a whole lot about what happens next, about what you're actually getting into. People are so blinded by dresses and cakes and decorations. Not to discredit couples by how big their weddings are or anything. If they can afford and they want to, why not? But I've noticed some of the best couples just don't care. They have something personal with a lot of close family, and the price tag and details don't matter.
  Sadly the other parts I've noticed that are glorified are things like divorce and prenuptial agreements, which is just a fancy way of saying "I don't trust you, and I want to make sure everything is fair when this ends." Celebrities do it. So maybe that means it's okay? It's really not. It's a super unhealthy way of thinking. You shouldn't have a "just in case" plan. Marriage is the plan, and don't throw something away if you can fix it. And let me tell you, it can almost always be fixed.
  And another thing, I've seen websites that encourage adultery, and places you can sell your wedding rings for cash. What in the hell is that about? Marriage was once this awesome agreement between two people who actually legitimately wanted to be with each other and no one else. (Although slightly before that it was something parents arranged in order to share their assets but forget that part.) I just think if you're going to completely disrespect what this contract is supposed to signify, why fucking bother? If somewhere in your heart you have any doubts about you or the other person, it is not for you.
  I think of all things age is a lower priority on the list. There are a lot of other things you have to consider before thinking oh, am I old enough for this? That's not really the question. It's more like, am I ready for this, do I want this, am I going to really commit to this? And it's hard to get answers from yourself when you're so excited about the glorified idea of just getting married at all. The problem is people connect the words age and maturity, when the two aren't necessarily related. Take two eighteen year olds and look at their lives, the decisions they've made, how they've grown up, how hard they've worked for things. Guarantee you it's not the same.
  When my husband and I were talking about getting married, we were in different states. And honestly I think being physically apart gave me the space I needed to think. I was of course just really wanting to be with him, but I didn't consider marriage my "way in." I got a lot of advice from people. I even talked to older people I didn't really know (community colleges are good for that). I wanted to know how couples who had been together for a long time stayed together, I wanted to know what to keep in mind and what to do when bad moments arose (you can't go into something assuming it'll be perfect, that's another downfall of recent generations). Overall I got a lot of perspective and I know it was a really great thing to do.
  I knew what I wanted. I knew how I wanted to be treated and also that I should know how to work on my relationship all the time. We're still considered newly weds, but I have yet to have a moment where I say to myself "maybe I shouldn't have done this." And that's how I know it was the right decision.
  And that has nothing to do with my age.
  
 

The New Workout; Post P90X

  After a little bit of research and advice from a friend back home, I decided to obtain Turbofire *coughinternetcough*. I know it's not great that I'm not paying for these things...but they're so dang expensive, and I'd rather have digital copies that don't take up any space (except on my hard drive) so I can take them places easier.
  Honestly I have so far only tried two of the videos so far. Many of the other workouts call for resistance bands, which I don't have. I decided to design my own workout routine by combining P90X and the cardio from Turbofire and kick into high gear these last few weeks while I can. Then, I'm bringing the videos and will be probably sticking to TF cardio a few times a week while we're at home on leave.
  Even after three months of P90X, Turbofire kicked. my. ass. It made me feel like I was back at square one, completely breathless and out of shape, heart pounding out of my chest. And that was just Fire 30 and HIIT 10! (The supposedly shortest and easiest.) I'm not great at Plyometrics, the stuff that calls for lifting your feet off the ground and getting your knees up high. I don't know why but my brain isn't used to making my body do this stuff. It's insane. But I kinda like it more every time I do it.
  I'm going to keep doing Fire 30 until I can work my way up to longer workouts. I've put together a new workout schedule based on what I want to work on and it goes something like this:

Day 1: P90X Shoulders, Arms, Triceps followed by Ab Ripper X. Hell yes.
Day 2: A cardio of my choosing, whether it be Turbofire, Kempo X, Cardio X or some Just Dance 2&3 on the Wii. Depending on the intensity, 30-60+ minutes.
Day 3: P90X Legs and Back followed by Ab Ripper X again. This isn't my favorite workout as it's pretty intense, but I'd like to do it anyway.
Day 4: Same as Day 2
Day 5: Cardio of choosing + Ab Ripper X
Day 6: Stretch day, maybe light cardio
Day 7: Rest day

  I tend to switch around my rest day, but the point is I tried to cover muscles I wanted to work on and stuck in a lot of cardio to burn fat. So far I'm addicted to Turbofire. It seems ridiculous when you watch it, and that Charlene Johnson is really enthusiastic and silly but man does she get the job done. You can't make fun of it once you've done it and wake up incredibly sore the next day. 

  I'm pretty stoked for all the cardio! I think it's a good mix and I'm ready to look amazing again. People have actually noticed a difference since I did P90X and it's been really awesome to get compliments. So I'm kicking into high gear to burn the rest of this fat so I can start feeling a whole lot more confident.

  I'm getting my body back, one day at a time.