You Don't Get It

It's like,
I'm on the brink of some revelation
that I don't need.
Why
am I typing like this?
This is to anyone that doubts us. This is for the raised eyebrows and the snide remarks and verbal bites. This is for all those things you think I didn't know you said, but I do.
Texts and twitters and anonymous virtual comment boxes.
Oh,
it still makes me bitter.
Some things you really can't forget. I feel two things at once. I miss good times with bad people.
But really, really,
that's not my point.
Have you ever felt so whole and completely filled to the brim with certainty?
There is no room left for
questions
doubts
ugly feelings
or accusations.
All you cynics say "well explain love to me, what does that even mean?" You scoff and spit and stick your noses back into edgy x-rated books with sex and gore and say you're content with that.
But I am so full with this feeling,
and it's the single purest thing I've ever felt. Not a scratch of imperfection.
And the best part,
the best part
is another human being feels the same, and we connect over miles with this
this gorgeous thing.
And everything I've ever learned
to explain love to myself
doesn't matter.
I have never been so sure of anything in my life. You thought we'd fail then and we faltered, we fell and stumbled but somewhere along the way we found balance, we found that each day without the other had a hole in it.
Maybe I am shouting at no one but the sky. Maybe no one is paying attention. That's okay, too.
'Cause every little thing, is gonna be alright.
My feet say so
with every step I take
towards forever
with my best friend.

What If?

So the very last thing on the Frankenstein Blog Challenge I set up for myself forever ago is "Things that make you think what if I had ___ instead of ___?"

This is pretty intense and I've put it off for a long time. I'd also like to find a new blog challenge. I was hoping I'd find it by now but I've been too distracted.

The thing is, even though I think about the past a lot (too much for one person) I don't want to change it. I don't dwell on what could've happened or what I should've done, because things turned out this way for a reason. If anything different had happened in my life I wouldn't be where or who I am today. I just try to analyze the past and learn more from it. I try to understand other people who are no longer in my life. I get curious about what happened when I wasn't around, too. I'm really nosy.

But if I had to hypothetically put some questions out there, I guess I have a few I could ponder.

1. What if I had dated different people in high school? 
I mean I can't really see it, I don't know who else I would've dated, but things could've been pretty different if I'd avoided a certain crowd my freshmen year. I lost touch with my long term friends because of the temporary new ones. I picked up bad habits. I wasn't nice to people. I fell in love with anyone who was around long enough because I saw the good in every body and I wanted to bring it out or fix them or something. If I could go back I'd give myself a stern talking to before high school. Not clues, just inspiring words.
2. What if I didn't try so hard to be friends with people I wasn't meant to be friends with?
I don't know what it was but I had some friends that not very deep down I knew I wasn't meant to hang around. I tried really hard to impress them or be there for them or share things with them and I only got burned. This happened repeatedly all through high school. I changed myself trying to be someone they would like, and when I finally stopped they didn't like me anymore. I wonder what kind of friendships I could've had if I had been true to myself, or if I was meant to have many friendships at all.
3.What if I had accepted and embraced who I was entirely earlier on instead of later?
I could've been more assertive, more confident, I would've said those things I choked down. I would've been kinder, I would've known what I wanted, I wouldn't have let things get to me. I would've taken better care of myself and not tried so hard to please the people I could never please. Half the time in high school I didn't know what I was doing or saying until someone judged me for it. I was still trying on new personalities and saying things I knew I wouldn't actually say but seemed to fit at the time. If I had had myself all figured out by high school I would've made different choices.

But it's okay. If given the chance to go back I wouldn't. I've said and done things I'm embarrassed of and some memories still haunt me at night when I'm trying to sleep. But it's said and done and over with, and the life I have now is the one I'm meant to have, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Hi (an awkward slightly emotional post)

I really wonder who my audience is some days. I have a link to this from my Tumblr now which is probably silly/kind of stupid, leading strangers to stories of my personal life.

There are at least three people I know look at this blog:

-a certain someone from my past
-my boyfriend
-a guy friend: Austen (whom I miss and think of often, regardless of my terrible communication skills )

I'm slowly leaning away from personal posts and going towards reviewing stuff I look at. I don't really know if I necessarily want to be that blog. I've started using livejournal again for strictly private journaling purposes (viewable to one person and one person only) because I have a lot of thoughts that don't belong on this blog anymore. Although it's fun to share my opinion on stuff I don't really know why I do it. Plus aesthetically, my blog isn't as pleasing as every other blog I've seen and I'm not entirely sure what I would do about it if I were to reach in and give in a makeover. I might need help because I don't really understand Blogger's design.

If you must know I'm not happy at this particular time. Living in Phoenix with nothing to do is a lot like hell. It's hot, at times the air conditioning isn't running, no one else is here, and I find myself stuck on the same website 24/7 even if it bores me. It's my version of hell. I still have school things to take care of and I keep hesitating on whether or not I should get a job now or when I'm more used to school.
I miss Prescott a lot but I can't afford to drive up and down with no income without asking my dad for money, and he does a lot for me already. I feel really isolated and keep forgetting there are a few people I could see here if I really wanted to. I feel really unmotivated and I stay in pajamas most of the time (and usually have to change once or twice a day from sweating). I download movies, watch them. Look at facebook, look at tumblr, check my email all obsessively.
Basically living the dream. I feel like I'm sixteen with no friends. Good God.
But it won't always be like this and that's what's pulling me thru. I may not always get out of bed when I should but Michael is visiting the second day of September, so I feel like hiding in a hole to make August go away is the appropriate move until I have to go to school. It's a very strange transitional period and maybe one busy day I'll look back on it wishing for one more day of it, a thought that occasionally makes me feel a little better about my situation.
When I'm done with school in mid December Michael should be on his winter break, for which we have a few big plans, including: coming home to Prescott to see friends and family, gathering left behind possessions, and moving me to Oklahoma in an apartment off base. It's tough waiting for all those exciting things. In between then and now, he's visiting and I'll be traveling there to help pick a place for us to live. I'll be meeting his new friends and finding a school over there and mentally preparing myself for big changes.
So you can imagine why right now sucks so hard. I've been doing essentially the same things for days pretty much isolated from the world. So much is going to happen so soon and I hate sitting on my ass being this far away from him and anyone familiar. All I do is daydream constantly imagining the future. It's fun, but I can't wait till it all actually happens.

IRobot Day

Sunday marks an occasion I feel is especially important this year. It is to me, anyway. 

August 7th 2004 (I've had to check my middle school journal may times to make sure) I went to Harkins Theatres and met some boys from the other middle school in town. As all of our close friends know at this point this was the day I met Michael. I'd talked to him and his friends online for a little while before but meeting in person was an entirely different experience. 

Back in the day Michael was a lady killer. Seriously, he had this effect on girls and everyone wanted a piece. It was absolutely ridiculous. Girls I knew and girls I didn't know but made themselves known to me were jealous, and I'm not being egotistical here. I was just a silly nerd just starting to leave my awkward phase. But every time I turned around there was some bitch in my face telling me he was hot, I didn't deserve him, etc. Even my best friends back then admitted they were jealous. 

And I've never been the kind of person to let how other people feel effect my decisions. Sometimes that's harsh but it's lead me to finding the perfect person for me no matter what. I don't believe in girl world rules. I pissed off a lot of people I thought were my friends. But people are not property, and I've always felt good friends, real friends would understand that I'm doing what makes me happy. 

So IRobot day marks that first day I saw him and decided what I wanted. It lead to a long string of events that lead me to where I am now. Everyone knows we haven't been together since that day, but what we went thru then wasn't a waste. It lead to a great friendship that became so much more. 

Sorry if I'm making you wanna vomit but this is important to me. Since we got (back) together in 2009 every year we've watched IRobot in the first week of August. Both of us keep forgetting the date so the last two years have been an approximation. It's not about whether it's a good movie or not, but it isn't terrible and we both love Will Smith.

But this year Michael and I are physically the furthest away from each other we've ever been. It's a good thing the seventh falls on a Sunday so that he has some free time. We're going to do the best we can do to continue the tradition and have a Skype movie date. We'll watch it at the same time, pause when either of us needs to pause, and try real hard to pretend we're in the same room. It's become a pretty important date for us to celebrate. 

But I'm definitely glad I get to see him in a few weeks :)

Identity Theft

I woke up to a text from my bank this morning warning me that I was under my ten dollar limit.

Which made no sense. Last time I spent money was yesterday at the store, and I knew how much money was left in my account.

So I got online and saw that there was a charge to Match.com. I've never been to that website in my life, and why would I go there? I've already found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And from my parents' example online relationships never work out.

So I went to the bank, canceled my card and got the number to call Match.com and ask them if they could pretty please refund me since I'd never been to their site. And it turned out it wasn't a problem, I was on hold for some time but then they did exactly what I wanted.

It made me wonder, was it a mistake or did someone really need money because they were desperate to meet someone? I almost felt bad for whoever it was later when I thought about it. It could've been a mistake. Whoever took the card information could've written one number wrong and made it mine, but if it was theft, what a weird way to spend someone elses money. Did I ruin a strangers chance for love?

I just hope whoever it is learns either not to steal card info or that they should go outside and meet someone in person for once.

"The Book Was Better"

Recently my best friend noticed that in many cases if there is a movie or series that's reasonably popular, I've read the novel equivalent. So now I can't stop thinking about all the books I've read that have gone to the screen, and I felt like making a list of the ones I can remember. I'm just gonna be pushing my glasses up every so often like a hipster.

In no particular order:

 1. Practical Magic. I actually grew up listening to the soundtrack of the film, but my mom never let me watch it because she sheltered me thru most of my life. But I finally did see it, and loved it, and read the book and loved that even more. The book extends the story a generation so it's a lot more involved.
As you can see in the picture, the book is by Alice Hoffman.
I love that in the film Camille Belle plays little Sandra Bullock. She's so adorable. She was also involved in my next listing. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
If you don't know, it's pretty obvious it's about witches. Two girls grow up with their magic casting aunts to learn their ways and one of them is searching for love and one never wants to find it. They have to deal with being different because most people know something is off with them. I love pretty much anything magical but it really is a good story.

2. A Little Princess. If you've never heard of this...holy jesus. The movie wrenches my heart out every damn time. But I have in fact read the book by Frances Hodgson Burnett. There's lots more to it and a few interesting victorian style drawings to go with it. There's more about the indian guy across from her, and fancy stuff shows up one little bit at a time in the book instead of all at once like in the movie. Camille Belle was one of the girls in the movie.

3. City Of Ember. This was one of those cases where the movie was almost better than the book. The book was pretty short and I noticed they stayed very true to it in the film. When I heard the movie was coming out and there was a book (by Jeanne DuPrau) first I went out of my way to read it before I saw the movie. I don't know, it's just sort of a hobby of mine I guess. I never really thought about it. The concept of City of Ember is really interesting. It's a post apocalyptic time and the only people in existence live underground and have for two hundred years. There's plans to resurface but it's been forgotten until a young girl finds them in her house.

4. The Devil Wears Prada. Originally a book (series, apparently) by Lauren Weisberger. And it was definitely better. I mean the movie had its own charm and whatnot but they left quite a bit out and changed the ending a tad and I wasn't entirely happy with it. You couldn't get into the world as much in the film as in the novel. I think it was the first movie I saw Emily Blunt in tho, and I like her. Meryl Streep is fabulous as always. And Stanley Tucci is sneaking into everything I watch but I love him so it's okay. 

5. The Notebook. Yes yes, guilty. One summer I spent in Mexico at my grandma's house this movie was on TV and I noticed she had the book, so I got curious and read it. To be honest I don't remember which I ended up liking more. I think the book was kind of boring. It's full of sappy quotes for die hard romantics but even though I'm a lot sappier these days it's still not quite for me. The movie is a classic and will probably go down in film history but the book must not have been all the great or I'd remember.

6. The Nanny Diaries. This was a very very cute movie and I recommend it. The book differs in a way that you can't really compare the two. It was written by two people, Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus, and the movie definitely does it justice in a lot of ways. But in this case I liked the movie more. Maybe it's because it took me a while to read the book, I'm not sure. I think both are underrated. 
Also I kind of have a girl crush on Scarlett Johansson. Just sayin'. The major parts of the book were in the movie and I was overall pleased with the transfer. 


So these are just the major ones I can think of off the top of my head. A few others:
-Holes. Book or movie? Both are awesome. Movie is a little bit better.
-Bridge To Terabithia. Book or movie? The book was very short and so the movie had a chance to expand and had beautiful effects. I choose movie. Very sad story tho. 
-Harry Potter. Duh. I'm very picky with this one. Personally I thought the best book adaptations were the first and the sixth, and the two parts of the seventh. 
-The Spiderwick Chronicles. I've only read the first few but the movie had a different feel to it. Still kinda cool. I'd say books were better, even tho they're short.
-Wizard of Oz. It's not that I don't have a special place for the movie in my heart, but the books are entirely different. And yes I say books, because there's several of them and most of them don't involve Dorothy. Books are so much better.
-Alice in Wonderland. Even tho there are at least three film adaptations of this I can think of I still say the books are more interesting, but slower paced. The movies can never get it quite right. 
-Peter Pan. Love love love everything about Peter Pan, I can never get enough. The book is wonderful, and my favorite film version is the live action one with Jeremy Sumpter. I also love Hook and Finding Neverland, the story about the author JM Barry. 
-Home Is Where The Heart Is. The book is just called Where the Heart Is, and it's by Billie Letts. *pushes glasses up* The book was better, but the movie was pretty decent too. Natalie Portman plays a pregnant woman who gets ditched by her dumbass boyfriend at a Walmart and is too afraid to ask for help so she has her baby at the store in the middle of the night (she somehow gets away with living there for a while). People find her of course and she's embraced by the neighborhood.
-Ella Enchanted. A book by Gail Carson Levine, I read it in elementary school. The concept is really cool tho. It's a world where magic is normal and there are ogres and faeries. A baby named Ella is born and a faerie notorious for causing trouble gives her the "gift" of obedience. She has to do what people tell her to. She spends her adult life searching for the faerie so she can fix it. Ahem, book was better. 


I could do this all day, really. I've read a lot of childish things but some serious stuff too. It's a fun hobby, gives me something to do. I do kind of feel pretentious but what the hell. Who doesn't like to feel like that every once in a while?

I'm. So. Bored.

I logged in wanting to blog something but I'm not even sure what. I have been doing literally nothing lately. Ever since all the excitement last weekend I'm back to sitting in my room in the dark in front of my fancy new computer. I'm taking my time looking for a job because honestly I like not working for now. And I like not driving around Phoenix because it's hot and confusing.
So I guess I could just fill you in on some of the stuff I've been watching lately, because all I do is download movies/shows and spend pretty much all my time watching them.

I just watched the anime series called Chobits. It's kind of old, and I read the manga when I was twelve.
If you don't know, the girl with weird ears is a persocom, or a person computer (I think). They're literally walking talking hardware, but people forget since they're made to look like everyone else (except their ears, that's where all the cords and plugs are).
It was a really adorable show, tho almost too adorable. But just when I was getting bored it got really interesting and I ended up liking the ending a lot.

So I'd been hearing/seeing a lot about a
movie called Passion Play on Tumblr. I was really really curious but no one seemed to like it and I ruined it for myself by reading the plot ahead of time in case I didn't watch it afterall. But I did. Aaaand it was kind of fucking terrible like everyone said it was. Megan Fox is Lily, a circus freak orphan who has wings, real ones. Along comes Nate Poole (Mickey Rourke) a washed up burned out musician and they rescue each other but he's so old and gross and she's so young and pretty and he seems more paternal than anything but there was a sex scene and I was so disturbed. I hated it. The acting was very meh and everything was meh and it was pretty slow moving. Someone said "this movie will never be taken as seriously as it takes itself." Pretty much sums it up. So that was a waste of time. So was Mean Girls 2, I don't even wanna talk about that one.

And yesterday I watched one of the best movies ever: Holes. Once again I read the book. In elementary school waaay before the movie came out, and I lost my shit when it did. Books geared towards younger audiences make the best transfer to film out of any book turned movie. There's usually room to elaborate instead of cut things out. And I've had a crush on Shia ever since. Little Zero is just cute.
I feel like most people know about Holes but I could be wrong so I'll go into it anyway.
Stanley Yelnats is framed for stealing a pair of shoes that belong to a famous athlete. He is sent to camp Greenlake, were he and other boys are to dig a hole in a dried up lake every day. It's seems that the warden, Ms. Walker, is looking for something. It becomes obvious that several characters have intertwining histories. For some reason I just fucking love everything about this movie. All of the boys and the way they act together, all of the drama, the history and especially Zero and Caveman. Everything about it is so endearing.

Okay this last one I feel a little guilty about. I haven't gotten into a new TV show since Heroes. I just don't have the time or patience to keep track of a television show at the same time every week. It makes me feel like a slave. But I caught an episode of Teen Wolf not too long ago and found myself asking all these questions. Who's he? What happened with that girl? What's going on? Why this, who is that etc. So I was feeling frisky one day and went to the MTV website (I know, it felt so wrong) and got all caught up. I even downloaded all the episodes that were out (because seriously, fuck all ads in the face with a knife). It's cheesy and cliche and sometimes just ridiculous but that's probably why I like it.
So the story so far is main character Scott (boy on left in photo) is walking thru the woods after sneaking out with his bff Stiles (boy on right in photo) and gets bit by a werewolf. But he thinks that's so farfetched/impossible etc. But of course, weird things start happening. He has his eye on new girl at school, Allison, but her dad and family are werewolf hunters. So. Many problems ensue, and now he has to find the alpha because he wants to somehow become human again or else he's super fucked and he can't get laid. Fun!

Anyway I'm all wrapped up in new shows. I just started watching Marmalade Boy, an old anime (once again I've read all the books) and now I have to wait for more Teen Wolf episodes like a normal television slave. I'm in the process of downloading Cardcaptors because I never got to sit down and watch it as a kid like I wanted to, just caught a few episodes here and there so I'm excited for that.
Woo laziness! I've never had this much time on my hands to waste on this stuff. It's kind of nice and I'd better enjoy it while I can. I know it won't always be like this.